Maybe I can make it

Looking back, it is actually so strange because I cannot believe I got through all of this… BS that is my life.

I actually made it this far.

Wasn’t it Shane Koyczan that said:

“If today is the worst it has ever been, remember that by tomorrow, today would have ended.”

So why not two more years? Let’s see what happens in the next two years. Maybe, I really can make it.

Nakedstreetkid out xx

Insomnia’s anxious depression

It is funny because this week I have just not wanted to exist and fall off the face of the earth. But just for a little while.

This week has been something else. Mainly difficult. But fun also.

I haven’t been able to have a full nights sleep in about a week because I’ve been so incredibly anxious. But because of depression, I’ve been so incredibly tired and the need to sleep has been overwhelming. Which has me tearing right up because I’m in this constant limbo where I am stuck in an exhausted haze of churned up emotions and inedible thoughts. I feel like smashing my head against a wall, if only to finally wake up or fall asleep.
It has reached quite disastrous heights.

Oh, and because this exhaustion has overtaken my life, I’ve stopped revising, and because I’ve stopped revising, I’m about a week and a half behind schedule in my revision timetable. Because of this, I’m completely stressed out, but I’m not sure what I want to do because I need to revise but I am finding it so incredibly difficult.

The only thing that is getting me out of bed and moving is my niece. Which is the good bit.

I’ve spent quite a lot of time with her, despite my exhaustion. In fact, she is the only reason I have been able to sleep because I cradle her in my arms and we fall asleep together. Twice a day. Which is great. And then, her and I play catch, read a book (even though she’s not old enough to understand it yet), run around, eat food, crawl until she’s comfortable to walk again, recite our ABCs and 123s and just chill in general. If you’re wondering, she’s only 11 months. A year she’ll be at the end of December.

The really fun bit would have to be work. Work has always cracked me up a bit. Because the people there are hilarious. You slowly begin to learn the jokes that seem to circulate around friendship groups and what not. Which I have to say, are super funny and the more people know you, the less people shout. Which I am a fan of.

Hm…

I guess that is it for now. Trust me, there is far more in my head but maybe I can finally get some sleep after my horrendous nightmare, so I shall see (and talk) later!

Nakedtsreetkid out xx

Reserved feelings and two week intervals

The last few days have been quite erratic in general. I’ve had quite a few lows but also a few highs.

It’s been harder to get out of bed now-a-days. But not because I’m overwhelmed with this almost imagined exhaustion that depressions presents me with, but rather with the fear of others that anxiety hold me down with. So, in that respect, it has been hard. However, I’m finding that this fear that I have soon dissipates with enough music blasting through my ears and a book heavy in hand to distract me from the masses of people that pass me. And it’s not even strangers that scare me, but people I know. Having to interact with them and engage with people when all I want to do is roll up into a ball and hide away.

I don’t want to do speak. It scares me too much. Hence the anxiety.

High points are that I’ll have the opportunity to relay all of this to my therapist on Monday. Funny thing that we are trying to do is have a two week interval, instead of our weekly therapy sessions. And I think it’s working.

I should probably explain that for last two sessions I’ve been fairly reserved with her. Using subtle and quite frankly, unconscious ways to distance myself from her. I’m quite glad I was able to recognise that so that I can try and work on it with her.

All in all, I’m quite anxious to see my therapist. I need to get a lot of my chest.

Rather long post today, so I do apologise!

Nakedstreetkid out x :*