Recovery Wednesdays

Angry impulses and overwhelming shame

How do people allow themselves to feel anger? It’s a scary concept to me. Anger can be so overwhelming, so controlling over your actions and your words. It’s so easy to carelessly hurt someone you love when you’re angry. I never understood why people let it control them. Even now, I cannot understand it. I would much rather hold onto it, keep it inside me rather than expel it in sudden bouts of frustration.

That’s maybe why I’m so silent when I’m angry. I try to hold it in, rather than lash out at my family or friends. That, or I start blaming myself. Until my anger turns into self-loathing. I try not to do that so much, now. I try to allow myself to be angry with them. Even if I can’t necessarily be openly angry with them, it’s a start.

That’s how we started therapy this week. Talking about anger, and how it seems to be the energy behind some of my more self-destructive behaviours. So, we tried to pinpoint my thoughts, behaviours, triggers and expressions during this certain emotions. As well as others. One of them being – of course, sadness.

Something that I hadn’t expected was shame. When I had asked her “why shame?”, she had told me that maybe I felt shameful about my own thoughts and perhaps that is why I censored what I say. It makes sense. But honestly, I would rather not agree with it. Not because it isn’t true, just because I don’t like the idea of being ashamed to say what you think. I hadn’t even thought of it as shame, but rather, a weakness deep within. To be afraid of saying what you thought just because people would judge you… I don’t like that one bit. That sense of weakness resonated with the others that we named: sadness, anger and anxiety. I hadn’t even known that I felt anxious about half the things I do. I thought that was just what stress felt like. But what I was feeling was anxiety. Strange.

In general, I find it difficult to pinpoint the emotions that I feel. I’ve never had to name them before. When I felt them, though, I felt them with every fibre of my being. And quite often, I used one of the umbrella terms – anger, fear, joy, sad and disgust. Kind of like the movie ‘Inside Out’, that’s how my mind worked. Complex emotions like shame and anxiety, never quite entered my vocabulary to describe my own emotions.

Thinking about anger this week and discovering why I’m so inclined to keep it inside has been quite triggering. I’ve been thinking more and more about my father. And in doing so, I have triggered an onset of quite heavy flashbacks and tears. Terrible.

Anyway, I have homework to do for therapy. Which is a first. I feel like I’m actually going to do it as well. We’ll see how that goes.

Anywho,

Nakedstreetkid out x 😛

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Outgoing Mondays

Daily Blogging Blues

Okay, to start with, I shall apologise. Maybe posting everyday (bar Sunday) is a little too much for someone who didn’t blog that much to begin with. Let’s at least accept that much. So, I’m sorry for not posting everyday, honestly, I’m more sorry for not keeping my promise.

So, like a pro, I must alter my promise so that I can write quality post and later increase the quantity. Maybe it’s not even the quality, I just need something that I can more readily stick to. So, from now on, I’ll definitely post on Monday, Wednesday and Saturday. So that is me reflecting upon leaving my house, my therapy session and looking at my studies. That is it for now. Everything else shall be optional. At least this way I won’t feel terrible guilt for not feeling up to posting something that doesn’t seem right to me. That kind of brazen behaviour is reserved for November during NaBloPoMo! 😀

Anyway, today has been pushing the boundaries a little bit for me. I went to the cinema and I completely forgot about the whole student night thing. Silly me. It was quite anxiety inducing seeing that amount of people in one space, I kind of wanted to run and hide. But like always, I tried to filter away the number of people and use their talk as a buzz of relaxing background noise and I was okay again.

Seats were a hassle though. I felt like every time someone asked me to move down so that their large group of friends could sit together, it highlighted how I was by myself. But as soon as the movie started, all was forgotten and I absorbed myself in its story line.

I watched ‘The Martian’ and quite frankly, it was hella good! I loved it. Although it was a shameless plug for a career in science, the whole storyline and behaviour of the protagonist Watney really reeled me in. When the movie comes out on DVD, I shall do my best to buy it because I really did like it. A lot.

I’m glad I went to the cinema. Especially because that movie, there, reminded me that sometimes, trying your hardest to complete each challenge that arises to the best of your ability is the best option. For you and those you love.

Aye, look at me getting all philosophical.

Nakedstreetkid out x 😀

Recovery Wednesdays

Self-censoring Bullsh*t

I think I’ve avoided putting something up for long enough now, so excuse me for any mistakes or dodgy wording, I just want to get something out there.

This week was… Difficult, to say the least.

I think the hardest thing about therapy this week was having to talk about… myself, despite doing everything in my power not to do so. Which sounds counterintuitive but I did not do this consciously, but rather, without even realising it. Almost automatically. In essence, it was second nature to me to avoid talking about myself by talking about other people and their own struggles. Which, fortunately (or unfortunately for me), my therapist picked up on straight away and we ended up talking about it.

We ended up talking about self-censoring.

What I had explained to her was that I needed time to think about some of the questions she had presented to me in the privacy of my own home. I had reasoned with her that I didn’t know how I was going to respond or react while I had someone sat in front of me. I would much rather think about it by myself, and control and cater my responses to her for the next time. I just couldn’t let my guard down.

Her response to that was understanding, she said that this subconcious reaction to self-censor may have developed because as I child, I always had to be careful of what I said and who I said it to. Which made sense. It’s just…

Sigh.

It’s just that now that I feel the need to be even more cautious around her. I’m hyper aware of it now and what I want to do is reinforce my walls of self-defence rather than bring it down.

I doubt that is what she wanted, but I’m pretty stuck on what to do.

Nakedstreetkid out x -_-

Uncategorized

Irritable moods and unproductive days

Because I die a little bit inside every time I leave my house, I cut my afternoon short and went BACK HOME. Amen. Why did I feel like that sentence needed or qualified Amen at the end of it like a statement? I have NO IDEA. Anyway, I digress.

Originally, what I planned was to go to this volunteering scheme that should lead to some paid work in the future, go to my school and then do shopping. I actually did not do all of that because I was in an incredibly irritable mood and I wanted to go back to sleep. So, instead, I just went to my volunteering and headed straight home. Hallelujah! Now that sentence certainly qualified for a religious affirmation because AT LEAST I went to that. Which sounds so ridiculous given that in the past I could do far more than that in a day.

I hate this lazy and unmotivated turn my life has taken. I really do wish I could just PUSH myself a little bit more.

Urgh.

I kind of hate all of that jazz.

Hopefully tomorrow I’ll be able to let out some steam as I have my therapy session. If you would like to hear about that, check out my post on Wednesday.

Other than that, I hope everyone has a more productive day than me and I shall post tomorrow.

Nakedstreetkid out x ;P

Study Saturdays

Brain power: 10%

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It is probably one of the most terrible feelings. To know that you need to start studying but are unable to simply because of a fear of failure.

I have started, anyway, even if it is only a page of docile notes about mapping functions. I hated every minute of it. It felt as if I was trying my best to lift a shit ton of bricks with my thoughts alone. It is what I would imagine it to feel like if I had just realised my gift for telepathy. With the unfortunate inability to be able to lift a piece of dust because of the weak muscle of in my brain. A terrible ordeal, and I can’t believe I’m going to even make myself do it again.

If anyone has any advice on motivating yourself to study independently, that would be much appreciated.

Nakedstreetkid out x

Fitness Fridays

Fitness Fridays – Rules and regulations 😜

I feel as if I should establish some sort of rules for fitness fridays. 

In the post I’ve created detailing my October schedule, I’ve very clearly stated my hesitation with starting up a fitness regime. But in case you can’t be bothered to read that, I shall repeat. 

I have a very addictive personality, and considering I already have quite dysfunctional eating habit, I am proceeding with absolute caution when it comes to my fitness. So, for now, what I shall be doing is jogging/walking 4 times a week in the morning for 20 minutes for the next two weeks. I will obviously add something in the second week to keep myself and body entertained. 

That is all, I’m taking it slowly so that this is a sustainable process.

I will not be posting my weight, nor will I be posting how much I lose. As I said before, I won’t be focusing on losing weight, but I will be focusing on my fitness levels. I’m not quite sure how I’m going to translate that in blog posts yet, but I’m sure it shall come naturally to me. 

Alright, those are the basics. 

Nakedstreetkid out x

Thoughtful Thursdays

Failing Favours and Thankful Friends

It is so easy for me to do people in my life favours without asking for anything in return.

It wasn’t until my friend started thanking me so much for my efforts despite not being able to actually complete said favour that I realised how thoughtlessly I do favours for people. Because, despite in my eyes I had failed to complete this favour for her, she still thanked me.

That made me start thinking, how many things do I do without valuing the significance that it makes in another’s life?

Strange.

Nakedstreetkidout x