How do people allow themselves to feel anger? It’s a scary concept to me. Anger can be so overwhelming, so controlling over your actions and your words. It’s so easy to carelessly hurt someone you love when you’re angry. I never understood why people let it control them. Even now, I cannot understand it. I would much rather hold onto it, keep it inside me rather than expel it in sudden bouts of frustration.
That’s maybe why I’m so silent when I’m angry. I try to hold it in, rather than lash out at my family or friends. That, or I start blaming myself. Until my anger turns into self-loathing. I try not to do that so much, now. I try to allow myself to be angry with them. Even if I can’t necessarily be openly angry with them, it’s a start.
That’s how we started therapy this week. Talking about anger, and how it seems to be the energy behind some of my more self-destructive behaviours. So, we tried to pinpoint my thoughts, behaviours, triggers and expressions during this certain emotions. As well as others. One of them being – of course, sadness.
Something that I hadn’t expected was shame. When I had asked her “why shame?”, she had told me that maybe I felt shameful about my own thoughts and perhaps that is why I censored what I say. It makes sense. But honestly, I would rather not agree with it. Not because it isn’t true, just because I don’t like the idea of being ashamed to say what you think. I hadn’t even thought of it as shame, but rather, a weakness deep within. To be afraid of saying what you thought just because people would judge you… I don’t like that one bit. That sense of weakness resonated with the others that we named: sadness, anger and anxiety. I hadn’t even known that I felt anxious about half the things I do. I thought that was just what stress felt like. But what I was feeling was anxiety. Strange.
In general, I find it difficult to pinpoint the emotions that I feel. I’ve never had to name them before. When I felt them, though, I felt them with every fibre of my being. And quite often, I used one of the umbrella terms – anger, fear, joy, sad and disgust. Kind of like the movie ‘Inside Out’, that’s how my mind worked. Complex emotions like shame and anxiety, never quite entered my vocabulary to describe my own emotions.
Thinking about anger this week and discovering why I’m so inclined to keep it inside has been quite triggering. I’ve been thinking more and more about my father. And in doing so, I have triggered an onset of quite heavy flashbacks and tears. Terrible.
Anyway, I have homework to do for therapy. Which is a first. I feel like I’m actually going to do it as well. We’ll see how that goes.
Nakedstreetkid out x 😛