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The Good Side of 2015

This year in particular has been filled to brim with equal parts of bad and good.

Like Ying and Yang or just a simple karma-like charm, I have had moments where the year has been unbearable, but also moments where the shine of the world has protruded through the ever-present darkness. So, this post is to that, to highlight all of that.

Put simply, this year has most certainly been a year of friendship.

Last December, I was in a position of fear. I was half-way through my final year of A-levels and I had just submitted my personal statement and waiting for replies. Almost not expecting any. But then, for the first time since I had gotten there, I had made a group of substantial friendships in my school. Friendships which lasted into 2015. And I know that sounds cheesy, but hear me out.

These group of friends have been life-savers in more ways than one. They have been people I have talked to, people who have expanded my mind and the world outside it. I have had friends who have had differing opinions, so different that it has shown me many different ways of living. It has shown me so many different ways to still be myself while undergoing change.

That was the former half of 2015. The latter half? Well, I got a bleeding job. Which I am over the moon about. And from that, I was able to meet all these different people who are both crazy and loving, funny and fabulous, talented and eye-opening. They have made the latter half of this year really fantastic.

But someone who has made it all the more worthwhile is my gorgeous and beautiful niece. During the former half of 2015 I feared that I may never actually see her due to custodial issues between my brother and her mother. But after much crying, many observed visits and a court case, I now have the luxury of seeing her throughout the week. And even though I have a hard time accepting that I did not go into university, if I had, I would never have been able to see my niece grow up. So, in a way, not going to university was a god send.

Overall, 2015 has been quite the year for me.

A lot has happened this year, and although some has been bad, there has also been a lot of good. And that is what matters.

That is what matters.

Have a fantastic New Years Eve and I’ll see you in 2016.

Have a good one, guys.

Nakedstreetkid out x

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The bad side of 2015

Is it just me or has 2015 just been a generally shitty year as years go?

I mean, maybe it was just the increased responsibility? Or me failing my A-levels? Or me failing to get into university? Or, the Conservative winning in the elections? Or it being the last year of Obama’s presidency? Or earthquakes, tsunamis and tornadoes happening left, right and centre? Or terrorist attacks? Or Donald Trump running for president? Or rapist getting away with rape? Children dying? Ebola? Our anti-biotic crisis? Martin Shkreli increasing the price of affordable AIDs meds by 4000%? And the world just being generally shitty.

I mean, I don’t know, but it hasn’t been good now, has it?

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A state of Dissociation

I think that it’s lovely, not to be dissociating on a constant basis. I think I’ve been in quite a numb state of dissociation for a while now. Maybe for a month now.

Maybe two.

I’m not sure but it wasn’t constant. It was in and out. I would never quite get enough “okay days” as to feel the clarity I do now. It’s quite lovely. It makes me remember what I am missing.

Maybe I can stay this way. At least through and past the beginning of the New Year. I like being able to feel something and I like being able to feel past a few passions that would seep past my mood every few days.

It’s just nice to be present in the here and now again.
I hope it lasts.

Nakedstreetkid out x

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Contemplating the misery of university

I was thinking of going travelling next year. Well, the latter half of next year, when the new academic year starts.

I don’t think I can quite handle university yet, so I thought I would skip it for another year.

I have a lot to learn about the world that I just haven’t learnt. I’m not nearly as stable as I would like to be mentally. Actually, I am quite all over the place and there are days where I can barely function like a human being because I am so exhausted with life. Or, there are days when all I can do is look ahead at the gaping hole that is my future and how I shrink in comparison does is not an appealing feeling.

I say this all as someone who is contemplating not going to university. So, I am unsure.

You see, we are told from very young ages that is our destiny.

We go through Primary School being asked, what do you want to do in the future. And soon enough, our answer transform from the laid back response of astronauts and firemen to an elated eleven year old screaming university.

And then you have secondary school, same question is asked, but that elation diminishes into a small fear. Because no one knows what they want to do, and by the time you finish your Secondary School career, your heart is experiencing small palpitations because you think you’ve chosen what you want to do, but you’re still unsure.

And finally, you’ve made it to sixth form/college and you’re in your final year and the same question is asked “What do you want to do?” But this time, louder, as if someone is screaming right through your eardrums and to the pre-frontal cortex of your brain. And it’s like your whole world is defined on it, like once you get there, there is either a ladder hanging 2 feet from the cliffs edge attached to the steps of university. Or a gorge below you, where you must step off the cliff in order to reach the rich treasures that self-determination gets you when you decide to build your own ladder to reach the top.

It’s funny, because no one tells you about that horrendous fall you must endure. They are too busy preparing you for the bright lights of university. Which I still want to go to. Just not yet.

Not yet.

The question is, is six months enough for me to feel fulfilled? I don’t know.

Nakedstreetkid out x

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nonsense

I don’t write nearly enough as I should. And when I do, it is usually just nonsense.

I’m awake again though, in the middle of the night. I can’t fall asleep. Again. So, I decided to watch a movie. You know, they say that re-watching a familiar film gives your brain a sense of satisfaction as it remembers the way it resolves. It’s comforting to the brain. Unfortunately, the film was far too riveting for me to rely on that comfort to lull me to sleep. I’m awake, wide awake. So, I hope that writing will encourage me to sleep. It did so last time.

I couldn’t really tell you what I’m thinking about. My thoughts are rounding itself in circles. I go from being anxious about the end of the year, anxious about cleaning and decluttering the house to an image of super mario jumping in my mind and Reptile from Rugrats coming alive.

It is a strange one.

Anyway, writing works like a charm, I am now tired. Talk later.

Nakedstreetkid out oxo

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Bearable Boredom

I have memories in that school. Things I remember doing. People I remember spending time with. And even though I hated it there and really couldn’t wait to leave, the people… It was the people that made it bearable. Made going through the days easier.

I miss them. They were all so amazing.

Nakedstreetkid out x

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Inhibitions in the Morning

If you check the time I decide to post something, it is in the early hours of the morning. And that is quite often when my inhibitions are low and my thoughts read like an open book. Whether that is a coherent open book or a garbled mess, I can’t always be too sure, but read it does.

I believe that says a lot of who I am as a person. But nevermind that, I think that is self-criticism rearing it’s ugly head.

Anyway, I want to go back to sleep and just sleep all day. I think that’s what depression and anxiety does to you. Anxiety keeps you up right through the night and then it’s friend depression, swaggers along and inhibits you from rising from your bed all day.

Maybe it would be perfect friendship if they did their jobs at different times of the day. And perhaps, at different intensities.

Because what I’m beginning to realise is that it’s okay to feel anxious. It can be the motivating factor to finish a bit of work or get you pumped for an exam. It shows you care. And depression? Well, it’s okay to feel a little blue sometimes, it reminds you about the powers of self-care and balances a good mood. It really makes you appreciate what you have and allows you some rest. But what’s not alright is the intensity of either of them. Now, that can make a frail man’s head spin right off.

And it makes me, quite frankly, feel dismal about the prospect of forever feeling this way. Pulling out my hair when I’m anxious, self-harming when I’m depressed and dissociating when I’m angry.

Turns out guys, that perhaps the relationship between the three, well, it’s not really working out now, is it?

Nakedstreetkid out x