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Disconnecting from an online world

Aye, I shall go to sleep now, phone far away from me, simply disconnecting for a few hours from an online world.

Goodnight.

Nakedstreetkid out xx

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Suffocating Anger

I don’t think I can go to sleep yet.

I’m so tired, but I can’t go to sleep. My thoughts are spinning a spider web of self-loathing and self-criticism. My therapist says that my self-critical thoughts are the worst for me. And I must agree, especially if they’re keeping me up.

You see, I feel completely terrible for being inpatient with my niece today. Given that she was ill and moody and I was in a completely foul mood, it could’ve gone worse. But I’m still unhappy with the way I treated her. But children, they’re intuitive, aren’t they? She kept trying to make me laugh by doing silly things like playing peek-a-boo with me, or giving me a bit of her food. It was quite sweet, actually. She’s only 12 months old, so it was incredibly kind of her.

But I’m in a foul mood because I’ve been thinking – on and off – about the abuse I suffered as a child today. It’s making me increasingly upset. But I’m trying not to be. I’m really thinking about what my therapist said about 2 weeks ago (by the way, it takes me a while to process through things only because I’m often in a dissociative state in therapy). She said to me what I have suffered in the past was incredibly traumatic and I have every right to feel angry.

But that’s hard for me to accept.

First off, I’ve never actually acknowledged the abuse I suffered as something that could be considered traumatic. Any response I’ve had to it, I have personally marked as weak. Crying, getting depressed, getting angry or anxious, I’ve always dismissed as a weak response.

Which brings me to the whole idea that I have the “right” to feel anger. It’s a frightening concept. Because “anger” in my household meant people got beaten up. Anger meant words that pierced your skin and dug at where it hurt. Anger was a dangerous tool used by the aggressor to fuel another violent undoing. Anger was not your friend. Anger was the enemy.

I don’t understand how to process through anger. I don’t know how to acknowledge it and let myself feel it without fearing myself hurting someone I love.

So I keep it all in, but that’s bad within itself. Because the problem with not letting yourself feel anger is that it means you let it smother you inside out. You allow yourself to be suffocated. Hence the foul mood.

And why I can’t sleep now.

Thoughts are racing and I wish I was better company for my beautiful little niece.

Anyway, there’s nothing I can do about that now. Maybe, I’ll count sheep, read something or watch something boring and mundane until I fall asleep.

I hope your day has been far better than mine.

Nakedstreetkid out x

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My Future

It is six in the morning. I have only had two, maybe three hours sleep. No matter, I wanted to say this somewhere, to someone.

I don’t think I’m going to university next year. Even though I desperately want to, I need to take my time with this because I am just not ready. I am so emotionally unstable, my depression and my anxiety is just overtaking my life right now. Especially if I want to go into the healthcare profession, I need to prioritise my own wellbeing. And right now, I am not ready.

I go through significant and life threatening bouts of suicidal ideation, my depression has isolated me so completely from myself and the world, my forearm is scarred to the high heavens and my body is suffering from my compulsions to pull out my hair. My life is not looking good right now.

But I don’t think I should be ashamed about that. The mere fact that I have finally allowed myself to recognise it shows that I’m finally trying to face it. I’m finally trying to face it. I really am. And that makes me kind of happy.

So, for now, I shall focus on retaking my A-level exams and worry about everything else later. I mean, I’ll give a brief thought to the future, but really, I know that will stifle my motivation.

Maybe I can finally go to sleep, so I’ll talk to you guys later.

Nakedstreetkid out xx

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Insomnia’s anxious depression

It is funny because this week I have just not wanted to exist and fall off the face of the earth. But just for a little while.

This week has been something else. Mainly difficult. But fun also.

I haven’t been able to have a full nights sleep in about a week because I’ve been so incredibly anxious. But because of depression, I’ve been so incredibly tired and the need to sleep has been overwhelming. Which has me tearing right up because I’m in this constant limbo where I am stuck in an exhausted haze of churned up emotions and inedible thoughts. I feel like smashing my head against a wall, if only to finally wake up or fall asleep.
It has reached quite disastrous heights.

Oh, and because this exhaustion has overtaken my life, I’ve stopped revising, and because I’ve stopped revising, I’m about a week and a half behind schedule in my revision timetable. Because of this, I’m completely stressed out, but I’m not sure what I want to do because I need to revise but I am finding it so incredibly difficult.

The only thing that is getting me out of bed and moving is my niece. Which is the good bit.

I’ve spent quite a lot of time with her, despite my exhaustion. In fact, she is the only reason I have been able to sleep because I cradle her in my arms and we fall asleep together. Twice a day. Which is great. And then, her and I play catch, read a book (even though she’s not old enough to understand it yet), run around, eat food, crawl until she’s comfortable to walk again, recite our ABCs and 123s and just chill in general. If you’re wondering, she’s only 11 months. A year she’ll be at the end of December.

The really fun bit would have to be work. Work has always cracked me up a bit. Because the people there are hilarious. You slowly begin to learn the jokes that seem to circulate around friendship groups and what not. Which I have to say, are super funny and the more people know you, the less people shout. Which I am a fan of.

Hm…

I guess that is it for now. Trust me, there is far more in my head but maybe I can finally get some sleep after my horrendous nightmare, so I shall see (and talk) later!

Nakedtsreetkid out xx

NaBloPoMo

Thought Cycling Wonders

Yesterday was a day filled to the brim with thought cycling wonders.

I haven’t been able to sleep properly because I’ve been thinking for hours on end, and because of that, have been pulling out hair like no tomorrow. Not going to blame my tangle (which I now call my Tangle Monster), only because I didn’t have it on me.

But the whole thing started with thinking. Thinking about school, thinking about books, thinking about how much I’ve studied, thinking about work, thinking about whether I’ve paid my exam fees, thinking if I’ve signed up for my exams… The list goes on and on. And this type of thinking lasted for hours. The night before Friday, I was plagued with the same thoughts. However, it had kept me up well into the night.

Which, to be honest, allowed me to go a bit bonkers. I went off on one, hallucinating because I hadn’t slept and drinking some rum with ginger beer to calm my nerves. I ended up falling asleep at 4 in the morning, which in retrospect, wasn’t that late, but for a girl like myself who despite not going to school likes going to sleep at 10:30pm every night and waking up around 7:30am, it was a lot. And it wasn’t a night out and I wasn’t having fun.

I was just thinking and damn near tired of doing so.

I’m glad that I’m wide awake now and have had some sort of sleep, even if it’s only a couple of hours.

Nakedstreetkid out xx

NaBloPoMo

Obladi Oblada everyone! :)

I am actually listening to ‘Obladi Oblada’ by The Liverpool Band, or, better known as The Beatles.

God, do I love this song.

The thing is, this song is such a feel-good tune that it’ll make you feel good despite whatever foul mood you are in. Seriously, just laugh along with the guy in the background and march on the spot, you’ll get to feeling it.

This song is up there with ‘I would walk 500 miles’ by the Proclaimers. Something you can sing along to, enjoy the story line and wave around your jazz hands to. Go ahead, sing it in an accent (or try, like I do) and pretend you’re in the a bloody music video. That type of song is always the bloody best. Oh, and of course ‘Amarillo’, but everyone knows that one, eh?

Anyway, it is currently 6am and I really must sleep otherwise I’ll be a cranky young thing in the morning.
Talk later!

Nakedstreetkid out! 😛

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Fast forward on exhaustion

For the last two weeks I have been exhausted.

Sleeping for an extended period of time after school everyday as if I don’t have work to do. As if my homework and revision can wait for me to become energetic again. But it can’t. Because despite my lack of energy, the world is still moving all around me. Sometimes in slow motion feeding me with the illusion that I do in fact have time. But, most of the time it is as if someone had hit the forward button so that everything is destined to pass me by. And with everyone just passing me by, I’m just getting even more exhausted watching images of people flicker past my eyes.

Nakedstreetkid out x