moments, Poetry

Meeting Charlie 

Dear  Charlie,

we are born into this world on someone else’s terms. Then we are expected to manage its monstrosities, feeding from the hand that they give us.

But if those who birth us tube down our throats that we are nothing but selfish, lazy and ungrateful we are painted the toxic view of the world from that point forward.

We are made to breath down these negative spirals and believe them to be the truth.

However, every time I meet you Charlie, hunched over a card in the bathroom stall of a club vibrating the stench of sweaty bodies and rotten feet, I smile. You make me happy again. You awake my tired body and exalt it with joy, putting a spring in my step as gibberish leaks itself away from my mouth into the atmosphere. You help me to believe in myself and rein my own destiny, a throne in my future.

And then, as suddenly as you come, you disappear again. Hanging me by the arms of a noose, lowering my depraved mass into the body of a dark, dismal well.

Only for me to look up and pray your glorious snow will fall onto me again. Bringing with it you, my dear Charlie, with all your wonderful and splendid hopes, dreams and promises.

Missing you,

the grin of a lost girl
nakedstreetkid out x

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Insomnia’s anxious depression

It is funny because this week I have just not wanted to exist and fall off the face of the earth. But just for a little while.

This week has been something else. Mainly difficult. But fun also.

I haven’t been able to have a full nights sleep in about a week because I’ve been so incredibly anxious. But because of depression, I’ve been so incredibly tired and the need to sleep has been overwhelming. Which has me tearing right up because I’m in this constant limbo where I am stuck in an exhausted haze of churned up emotions and inedible thoughts. I feel like smashing my head against a wall, if only to finally wake up or fall asleep.
It has reached quite disastrous heights.

Oh, and because this exhaustion has overtaken my life, I’ve stopped revising, and because I’ve stopped revising, I’m about a week and a half behind schedule in my revision timetable. Because of this, I’m completely stressed out, but I’m not sure what I want to do because I need to revise but I am finding it so incredibly difficult.

The only thing that is getting me out of bed and moving is my niece. Which is the good bit.

I’ve spent quite a lot of time with her, despite my exhaustion. In fact, she is the only reason I have been able to sleep because I cradle her in my arms and we fall asleep together. Twice a day. Which is great. And then, her and I play catch, read a book (even though she’s not old enough to understand it yet), run around, eat food, crawl until she’s comfortable to walk again, recite our ABCs and 123s and just chill in general. If you’re wondering, she’s only 11 months. A year she’ll be at the end of December.

The really fun bit would have to be work. Work has always cracked me up a bit. Because the people there are hilarious. You slowly begin to learn the jokes that seem to circulate around friendship groups and what not. Which I have to say, are super funny and the more people know you, the less people shout. Which I am a fan of.

Hm…

I guess that is it for now. Trust me, there is far more in my head but maybe I can finally get some sleep after my horrendous nightmare, so I shall see (and talk) later!

Nakedtsreetkid out xx

NaBloPoMo

Thought Cycling Wonders

Yesterday was a day filled to the brim with thought cycling wonders.

I haven’t been able to sleep properly because I’ve been thinking for hours on end, and because of that, have been pulling out hair like no tomorrow. Not going to blame my tangle (which I now call my Tangle Monster), only because I didn’t have it on me.

But the whole thing started with thinking. Thinking about school, thinking about books, thinking about how much I’ve studied, thinking about work, thinking about whether I’ve paid my exam fees, thinking if I’ve signed up for my exams… The list goes on and on. And this type of thinking lasted for hours. The night before Friday, I was plagued with the same thoughts. However, it had kept me up well into the night.

Which, to be honest, allowed me to go a bit bonkers. I went off on one, hallucinating because I hadn’t slept and drinking some rum with ginger beer to calm my nerves. I ended up falling asleep at 4 in the morning, which in retrospect, wasn’t that late, but for a girl like myself who despite not going to school likes going to sleep at 10:30pm every night and waking up around 7:30am, it was a lot. And it wasn’t a night out and I wasn’t having fun.

I was just thinking and damn near tired of doing so.

I’m glad that I’m wide awake now and have had some sort of sleep, even if it’s only a couple of hours.

Nakedstreetkid out xx

NaBloPoMo

A Desk

What’s the best purchase you ever made?

Well, I usually spend my money on experiences (and booze) rather than material things, so this is a hard question. Or, rather, would have been hard if I hadn’t spent my money about a week ago on a desk. So, for me, that’s one of my best purchases.

A desk.

And now, I know what you’re thinking “a desk!?” Of all things I could choose, I have chosen a desk. Well, let me explain.

I share a room with my younger sister. And before that, with all three of my sisters before two of the three went off to university. So, I have always had quite a cramped room. And therefore, no space that I could really call my own (other than my bed).

So, I decided to clear away all of the debris that my older sisters had left in the room and moved things around just to open up the space a bit more. Essentially, I started to make the room feel like my own, rather than the property of all three of my sisters. And in the space I made, I put a desk.

And I’m pretty damn proud of that. No matter how silly it may seem. 😛

Nakedstreetkid out x 😀

NaBloPoMo

The weight life brings

It has come to that point in my life where I again, feel and look like shite.

As of right now, I am heavier than I have ever been and that worries me so much. I have had, in the past, the tendency to engage dysregular eating patterns. And this is mainly due to a lack of appetite or just a general way to punish myself. So, that has led me to not eat, lose weight, gain it back just as quickly when I do start eating again and a feeling that I have almost re-lost control again.

In general, since results day, I have not wanted to eat at all. But that’s been changing over the last two months where I have gotten into the habit of just gorging on large amounts of food, unhealthy food for that matter. And I’m gaining weight and I hate that.

I understand that at one point or another everyone goes through those periods where they just dislike their body so much. So, this may seem silly or just plain irrelevant but that is what is going through my head right now. My ginormous weight gain.

And for those who do care somewhat, please, do not worry. If I do choose to lose this weight (which I am going to do), I am going to engage in healthier ways to do so. I am a firm believer that if you’re going to keep the weight off, you have to do it in the most sustainable way possible. And that is a healthy, balanced diet and a healthy dose of exercise throughout the week.

Anyway, that’s how I feel today.

Nakedstreetkid out x

Outgoing Mondays

Daily Blogging Blues

Okay, to start with, I shall apologise. Maybe posting everyday (bar Sunday) is a little too much for someone who didn’t blog that much to begin with. Let’s at least accept that much. So, I’m sorry for not posting everyday, honestly, I’m more sorry for not keeping my promise.

So, like a pro, I must alter my promise so that I can write quality post and later increase the quantity. Maybe it’s not even the quality, I just need something that I can more readily stick to. So, from now on, I’ll definitely post on Monday, Wednesday and Saturday. So that is me reflecting upon leaving my house, my therapy session and looking at my studies. That is it for now. Everything else shall be optional. At least this way I won’t feel terrible guilt for not feeling up to posting something that doesn’t seem right to me. That kind of brazen behaviour is reserved for November during NaBloPoMo! 😀

Anyway, today has been pushing the boundaries a little bit for me. I went to the cinema and I completely forgot about the whole student night thing. Silly me. It was quite anxiety inducing seeing that amount of people in one space, I kind of wanted to run and hide. But like always, I tried to filter away the number of people and use their talk as a buzz of relaxing background noise and I was okay again.

Seats were a hassle though. I felt like every time someone asked me to move down so that their large group of friends could sit together, it highlighted how I was by myself. But as soon as the movie started, all was forgotten and I absorbed myself in its story line.

I watched ‘The Martian’ and quite frankly, it was hella good! I loved it. Although it was a shameless plug for a career in science, the whole storyline and behaviour of the protagonist Watney really reeled me in. When the movie comes out on DVD, I shall do my best to buy it because I really did like it. A lot.

I’m glad I went to the cinema. Especially because that movie, there, reminded me that sometimes, trying your hardest to complete each challenge that arises to the best of your ability is the best option. For you and those you love.

Aye, look at me getting all philosophical.

Nakedstreetkid out x 😀

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Irritable moods and unproductive days

Because I die a little bit inside every time I leave my house, I cut my afternoon short and went BACK HOME. Amen. Why did I feel like that sentence needed or qualified Amen at the end of it like a statement? I have NO IDEA. Anyway, I digress.

Originally, what I planned was to go to this volunteering scheme that should lead to some paid work in the future, go to my school and then do shopping. I actually did not do all of that because I was in an incredibly irritable mood and I wanted to go back to sleep. So, instead, I just went to my volunteering and headed straight home. Hallelujah! Now that sentence certainly qualified for a religious affirmation because AT LEAST I went to that. Which sounds so ridiculous given that in the past I could do far more than that in a day.

I hate this lazy and unmotivated turn my life has taken. I really do wish I could just PUSH myself a little bit more.

Urgh.

I kind of hate all of that jazz.

Hopefully tomorrow I’ll be able to let out some steam as I have my therapy session. If you would like to hear about that, check out my post on Wednesday.

Other than that, I hope everyone has a more productive day than me and I shall post tomorrow.

Nakedstreetkid out x ;P