moments

Moments: A Day at Work

“Ah-roon-na” I practice the name carefully as it stumbles past my lips. “Ah-roon-na” I repeat.

He smiles at me and laughs “see, it’s not that hard, is it?” I look him in the eyes and smile back. I had gotten his name wrong about three times already and on the third time, I tried to shorten it to “Roon” or “Na”, any nickname possible so it would be easier for me to communicate with him. But when I did that, he protested against it, saying all I had to learn was a few extra syllables. Which I guess was true. So he offered to practice it with me, which I deemed as fair. If he was willing to practice with me all the while having patience, who was I to complain?

“Could I have three beers, please? Two Fosters and one John Smiths.”

That was Gerald, a fella who was lucky enough to be on the tills, unlike me and Ah-Roon-Na, who was at the back, pouring pint after pint mercilessly. Oh, and of course Guy who was labelled the veteran of drink pouring at this particular kiosk.

Anyway, I start pouring them like I was asked to. Most people don’t know this about pouring alcohol from a drought, but if you don’t tilt your cup to the side, the drink will develop some froth and it’ll take a while to settle before you can give it out. Something I forget from time to time, but try my best not to. People – especially football fans – get particularly rowdy if you ever do such a thing to them. They’d scream at you as if you were cheating them from a full pint. Which I guess that’s what it seemed like, but still… It was annoying at the best of times.

I catch Ah-Roon-Na pinning a name badge to his shirt, smiling haphazardly and turning his head towards me. “Look.” He says, so I do. He taps his name badge with his index finger proudly.

He looks at me in anticipation “Ah” his fingers skim the mid-section of his name “Roon” his smile widens across his face “Na”. His name is spelt ‘Aruna’ and honestly it is a beautiful name, it’s just hard for me to remember. Nevertheless, I do nod in appreciation because after all, it is always better to put letters to a name. “I promise you it’s not that hard, if you want, while we’re working, I’ll keep my name badge on so that you can see it.”

I’m not sure why he says this because I’m pretty sure that we’re supposed to be wearing our name badges 100% of the time. Regardless I do appreciate the sentiment and agree that would probably be best, if not for me to learn his name then for him not to get complained at by management.

And honestly, things are speeding up at front so if I really don’t remember his name I could probably shout “yo” or “hey” and give him a quick order. But I think I want to learn his name out of respect. Plus, he’s an incredibly nice guy.

“Okay, Ah-Roon-Na, let’s get to work then.”

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moments

Moments: A Series

So, I decided quite randomly today in the shower that I wanted to create a new series called ‘Moments’. Basically what this series will be doing is capturing little moments in my day or week or in certain situations and my thought process during it. It would be written in prose or through a poem.

It’s just kind of like a vlog that captures candid moments in my life, but instead of a camera capturing these moments, it will be me and my keyboard. Or paper and pen, whichever is closest. And then I will post it.

Sorry, it’s something that occurred to me in the shower.

Aye then, talk later.

Nakedstreetkid out x

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Normalcy set in Thoughts

It’s strange. My thought pattern is changing as if completely overnight. Instead if berating myself, I’m more accepting of my flaws than I was before.

I’m not sure if this is because of my new intake of antidepressants and current influx of seratonin bathing itself in my neurons, but it’s a change. A positive one at that. One that I am immensely happy about and hope actually lasts a little longer than my brief episodes of feigned normalcy in the past.

Ah, one can only hope, eh?

Nakedstreetkid out x

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Random Bits and Bobs

I haven’t actually posted anything to this blog in a ridiculously long time. Well, I guess it isn’t as long but considering the amount of random bits of work that I have been writing, it seems strange that nothing has been posted.

I guess it’s just become really difficult for me to get my point across recently and that has reflected in my writing. So, I’m actually holding off until I can take the time to look through the things I have written and figure out the way I want to phrase things.

And if that fails, I’ll simply post it because I don’t like having so many drafts in my memo notes and on WordPress’ system.

Oh, and if this inability to express myself continues, I’m just going to force myself to post everyday during March. Simple as.

Nakedstreetkid out x

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Cinemas and Conversations

Today I’m actually going out with a friend that I haven’t seen in about a month, so I’m actually quite excited about that. At the same time, I’m equally worried because I’ve always viewed her as better than me. Mostly because she is an intellectual wizard and now also as she did actually make it to university with flying colour (A*AA), where as I (CCC) did not.

So, sometimes I find it a struggle to talk to her only because I’m not going through the struggles of university at the moment. Instead, I’m actually troubling myself with the effort to meet those struggles eventually with all this hard work. So it may actually be difficult to have a conversation. But hopefully, because we are friends, we can continue to talk about all that we connected on in the first place.

However, realistically, we are going to go watch a movie together, so that involves very little talking. And if anything our conversations would revolve right around the movie itself. Which is a good thing as our conversations shouldn’t enter anything deeper than that.

Hm, do wish me luck!

Nakedstreetkid out! ๐Ÿ™‚

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Updates and all

I think that I should finally explain what this blog is after owning it for over a year.

This blog is a space where I, Regina, can freely rant and rave about anything that is troubling me. Equally, it is a place where I can choose to discuss with others about the trials and tribulations of being a 19 year old teenager, living in England. And yes, I have a history of abuse of every kind, so at times, I may write about that, if only to make sense of it.

Right now in my life, I am actually taking a gap year. And during this gap year, instead of the normal and very understandable need to travel the world, I have decided to stay at home and really work on myself. How have I done that? Well, for starters, I have decided to start therapy and actually work through things that are troubling me. Which has been somewhat successful. However, as of last week, I have actually completed my allotted amount of 12 sessions that the NHS provided free of charge with my very lovely therapist who (for privacy sake) I shall name FeeFee.

But, all is good, I am actually being referred for long-term therapy at my local hospital. And if everything goes to plan, the wait for that should only last less than 3 months and they accept me into their care. Yay! In the meantime, I am on a round of anti-depressants, the infamous Sertraline or better known in the world of crazy as Zoloft. Which I am loving right now, so all is good on that.

Finally, I should explain that because of my crippling depression of last year and my ongoing anxiety, I was unable to reach my full potential last year. Hence, I only achieve relatively low grades (CCC) in my A-levels last year when in reality to get into university, I needed to achieve ABB. So, I have entered myself to actually retake my A-level exams at the end of the year. But again, because of my depression and anxiety for last few months, I have been doing nothing to prepare for that.

But now, I am determined to actually beat this anxiety and depression and actually achieve what I set out to achieve. So, I am beginning to study again (hurrah) and will continue to up until the beginning of my exams in May and June (which is frightingly close).

And that is it.

That is my life at the moment in a few paragraphs.

So, I hope you enjoy my blog and discover things about me (and hopefully about yourself too) that you would like to discuss. If so, feel free to message me. If not, feel free to message me regardless.

Right now, I feel like I am becoming an open book, so do talk to me, I don’t mind talking. At all. Or at least for the moment.

Alrighty then!

Nakedstreetkid out ๐Ÿ˜‰

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Anger and Me

Anger is a funny tool used by people to get things done. It’s something that I, for the longest time, refused to use because I’ve always thought it was something that can only ever produce negative results.

But I think I was wrong.

I’ve been watching Philip Defranco more and more on the youtubes, especially as my gap year continues to progress without much of a blip. Or just a lot of blips but not of fun, rather distressing and incredibly trying times. It’s been very insightful to watch this man that I’ve always seen as someone I’ve always seen as an inspirational figure talk about anger as something that can be positive.

Because for me, anger has always been this terrible evil that infects and destroys people’s lives. And that reasoning has come from a place of experience, where either my father or my sister has used anger to become violent towards me, belittle and ruin me.

So, I’ve always shied away from feeling anger because I was afraid of the devastating effects it may cause. But in doing that, I’ve just turned that anger inwards towards myself in ways that I don’t feel entirely comfortable in articulating. Just know that these ways have been harmful to myself and has affected my life in ways that I cannot begin to explain or describe.

But the way Philip Defranco puts it, to use all that energy from anger and channel it towards something positive and useful, is beginning to resonate with me.
I should probably explain that, during this past year I have been having a difficult time in terms of suicidal ideation, depression, trichotillomania, dermatillomania, anxiety and – on a lesser note from all that – revision. And that has made me so angry. And because of my almost instintual tribulations with anger, that anger has been turned inwards and towards myself. Hence the depression and occasional anxiety.

But what I’m beginning to understand – more and more – is all that energy that I put into hating myself and everything I do, if I just direct even a little bit of it towards the things I want to achieve, I can achieve them. I can. Because that energy and all that adrenaline is such so instrumental and should not be wasted on simple self-loathing. It can actually be used for good, something that benefits oneself.

So, I guess I was right from the get-go, that anger is a powerful tool. I just had everything a little twisted about anger being a purely bad thing. Anger can in fact be a good thing, it’s just the way you direct it that matters.

Nakedstreetkid out ๐Ÿ˜‰