I’m kind of debating with myself if I’m doing what I want. Whether or not I’m happy with my life so far. And me doubting my happiness has made me realise that I’m probably not happy with my life a single bit. Or maybe I am happy with little bits of my life. But the way I see it, is that I should be happy with the majority of my life rather than a little happy with it. And the fact that I’m not happy with all of it is more than a little bit worrisome. I wish I was happy with all of it and not happy with the little bits.
And now I’m beginning to question myself, like “why am I not happy?” And because I’m me and this topic has been coming up for the past few weeks, I’m beginning to wonder whether or not I’ve chosen the correct A-levels for me. Would I have been happier choosing another allotment of A-levels? And the thing is, I’m not sure. Because after yesterday, I’ve come to realise (and I know that I’ve been saying “realise” a lot but bare with me because this is a big realisation) that I want a life that is constantly changing, constantly evolving. One that is hitting me with small little surprises. And I don’t think I’m getting that with factual based subjects. Did I ever get that buzz with factual based subjects? Yes. Am I getting it now? I don’t think so.
And it’s weird admitting that but it’s something that I’m going to admit because it’s something that I should have admitted to myself a couple of months ago. Because now I am unhappy.
Don’t get me wrong, I think that the subjects I picked were the right ones a year ago but now that I’m me, now that I’ve changed, it’s not quite the right pick anymore. Or maybe it is and I’m just… All over the place now. And I wish there was a way to know without feeling so furiously stuck in this place that I’m in right now. I have options though. I could retake the year at a different college, with different subjects but I am an incredibly indecisive human being. And you’ll just end up watching me jump from one subject to another and my choices won’t ever make sense to you. Not even to me. Because I’ll come up with a reason which is valid in the moment but not valid in the long haul.
I know that I can be anything I set my heart on but first I have to figure out what I want to be.
This post was more than slightly personal and right now I’m venting to an empty audience but yeah, I may do more of these. Even though it’s totally unstructured and my vocabulary at this moment in time obviously consists of words like “totally” and “like” and all those teenagey (not a word but I like it) words.
I promise, the next post that I publish will be more generalised and possibly something you’ll be able to relate more to because this is incredibly personal so… Yeah…
Nakedstreetkid out! 🙂 x