I don’t think I can go to sleep yet.
I’m so tired, but I can’t go to sleep. My thoughts are spinning a spider web of self-loathing and self-criticism. My therapist says that my self-critical thoughts are the worst for me. And I must agree, especially if they’re keeping me up.
You see, I feel completely terrible for being inpatient with my niece today. Given that she was ill and moody and I was in a completely foul mood, it could’ve gone worse. But I’m still unhappy with the way I treated her. But children, they’re intuitive, aren’t they? She kept trying to make me laugh by doing silly things like playing peek-a-boo with me, or giving me a bit of her food. It was quite sweet, actually. She’s only 12 months old, so it was incredibly kind of her.
But I’m in a foul mood because I’ve been thinking – on and off – about the abuse I suffered as a child today. It’s making me increasingly upset. But I’m trying not to be. I’m really thinking about what my therapist said about 2 weeks ago (by the way, it takes me a while to process through things only because I’m often in a dissociative state in therapy). She said to me what I have suffered in the past was incredibly traumatic and I have every right to feel angry.
But that’s hard for me to accept.
First off, I’ve never actually acknowledged the abuse I suffered as something that could be considered traumatic. Any response I’ve had to it, I have personally marked as weak. Crying, getting depressed, getting angry or anxious, I’ve always dismissed as a weak response.
Which brings me to the whole idea that I have the “right” to feel anger. It’s a frightening concept. Because “anger” in my household meant people got beaten up. Anger meant words that pierced your skin and dug at where it hurt. Anger was a dangerous tool used by the aggressor to fuel another violent undoing. Anger was not your friend. Anger was the enemy.
I don’t understand how to process through anger. I don’t know how to acknowledge it and let myself feel it without fearing myself hurting someone I love.
So I keep it all in, but that’s bad within itself. Because the problem with not letting yourself feel anger is that it means you let it smother you inside out. You allow yourself to be suffocated. Hence the foul mood.
And why I can’t sleep now.
Thoughts are racing and I wish I was better company for my beautiful little niece.
Anyway, there’s nothing I can do about that now. Maybe, I’ll count sheep, read something or watch something boring and mundane until I fall asleep.
I hope your day has been far better than mine.
Nakedstreetkid out x