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I feel… Broken.

Recently, I went to my GP to finally get my depression sorted because I’m coming up to a really difficult time in my life and I need to be kind of stable enough to handle it. That being, the results day for my A-levels and the fact that I may or may not be going to university this year. And somehow, that has really kicked me down low. I don’t want to be in this position but I am because when I had the chance to really live up to my potential I couldn’t. Or rather, I could, as my potential had been reduced and shrivelled up because of my depression. Everything seemed impossible at the time, studying and revising… So, I started losing interest in things that would help me relax. Not only that, but my motivation levels would have rapid falls and then peak again, but even lower than it did last time.

I couldn’t speak to anyone about it, everything seemed fatal, like, no matter what happened, I would fail and that would not be okay, so I couldn’t even see the people at school because they just put the living fear into me. They would ask me questions like, oh, how is revision going, have you gotten onto that chapter yet, that topic yet? Have you even started revising that far ahead? What are you doing, why haven’t you done that yet? It was like I was getting bombarded by a whirlwind of questions and it just wouldn’t stop.

In essence, I was depressed, exhausted and constantly anxiety ridden. Every thought in my head was just amplified by the words of the people around me. And my own self-hatred was ringing in my ears, making me incapable of following through with school because I was slowly shutting down from all the pressure. My mum was gone, I was alone looking after my sister, my dad was trying to contact me again, my brother was constantly putting me down and it seemed like he was right because I wasn’t functioning at my optimum self.

And now? I’m still in that slump. Even though I’m on holiday and school has finished, my mum has come home, I’m standing up to my brother a little bit more, it doesn’t feel like it’s going away and it scares me. Because I worked so hard to get rid of it last time, but now it has come back. It has been here for the last six months and I don’t know how to get rid of it. I can’t see people right now because it is too overwhelming. I’ve gained so much weight that I’m ashamed to go out of the house, I hate the way I look and I haven’t got a job yet or anything and I need one because… I just need something to do so I don’t go insane. But that hasn’t happened yet, even though all my friends have jobs so it feels like I’m just being lazy constantly. I don’t feel like I’ve done everything an 18 year old should have at this point. And my best friend keeps harassing me with phone calls and I’ve realised how controlling she is, so I can’t even answer them out of fear of being controlled again.

It’s like the pressure never stops, it can only continue. And like holding onto a small object, arms outstretched for a number of hours, my arms feel about ready to fall off.

I’m tired and I want to just get better but I feel like I’m broken. Because talking to my GP, I now know that I have a lot to work through, and it’s not something I can stick a band aid onto and it will all be healed. It’s something where I have to commit to a 24 hour surgery and hope that the open wound doesn’t become infected and destroy me.

Anywho, long post. I hope this explains the reason why I haven’t been posting as frequently as I used to. And why I’m always MIA. Agh, and why I feel quite broken.

Nakedstreetkid out x

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Sexy knickers and midnight walks

So, I decided to wear my sexy knickers to make me feel… Well, sexy. But they don’t make me feel sexy. They make me feel blooming uncomfortable and I’m not quite sure what to do about it but continue to wear it because right now I’m not feeling 100% myself so why not just say fuck it and not feel negative ten percent myself for one evening.

Anyway, it’s not like I’m entertaining or anything. I’m actually very alone, watching Love Actually, wondering to myself “when am I going to fall into love?” Pretty much never at this rate. I feel like I don’t even know who I am. And you can’t advertise yourself to the general public not knowing the ins and outs of your product, now can you? You won’t get one blooming sale and then all your efforts would’ve been for nothing.

To be quite honest, I don’t really know who the hell I am. I’m kind of a wanderer, banished from my own logic to go find myself a little bit more. And I cannot even begin properly because I’m shackled to my bed by my little friend called depression. I need to do the nearly impossible job and go on a little self-discovery.

But that’s exactly why I need to feel sexy (and hence, the lacey knickers). I need to get a bit of confidence and get out there. Even if it’s to go for a quick walk around my neighbourhood, staying in here all day and night is honest to god making me lose my complete sanity. It’s time to start to regain it.

Ugh, my knickers aren’t even that amazing.

Nakedstreetkid out x

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An inconvenience of thoughts

From a very early age I was taught how to just stand there and take it. Not to put up a fight because I was too young to understand the reason why the adults in my life did what they did. I have been programmed that way, simply to be less of an inconvenience to my mum, my brother and sisters. Because we went through so much turmoil and trauma, me having a hissy fit or not doing what I was told was an inconvenience. My opinions, my thoughts were all an inconvenience. So, I’ve always kept them to myself and when I found that to be too overwhelming, I put my thoughts and opinions onto my body in cuts and bruises and when that stopped working, I translated it all into poetry.

You know what, life was hard growing up. And I know that is no excuse for my behaviour at any point in my life and that is why I keep most of these feeling buried. But they are damaging me internally and not only just that, but it is damaging my relationship with my mum, brother, sisters and friends. They need me to start maturing emotionally instead of being stuck in this petulant child phase that I am rotting in. I’m constantly angry at… I don’t know, so many things. My dad for his abusive nature, my brother’s baby mama for her manipulative one, my mother for her dependency and my sister’s for the same thing. But, most of all, I’m angry at myself for being angry at all of this. Because I don’t feel as if I have the right to have these opinions and these thoughts.

I’ve just always been used to reserving my feelings to myself or turning them off for the convenience of other people. And it’s difficult now, because people who used to tell me to be quiet and to shut up when I wanted to say something, suddenly want to me to speak my mind. But the problem is, I don’t know how to and the little I can, I don’t know if they would want to hear it. I love them, despite my anger, and would never want to hurt them. But I can’t even imagine how frustrating it is for them, now that they want to hear what I say and how incapable I am to say it. Me stuttering on my words and tripping over my sentences, getting stage fright from simply talking to the people that I love.

It must be hard for them.

Because, goddamn it, I know it’s hard for me.

Nakedstreetkid out x

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Self-inflicted thoughts

To be honest, I think I idealise people in my life so much. So much so, that they’re flaws have been painted right over by the good bits that I see. Literally, if someone has done something nice for someone I will automatically believe that person is an amazing person. If they do something nice for me I think they’re a god-like creature and I begin to idealise them. I feel like they’re above me in some way, and that’s hard to admit. I don’t expect anyone else to feel this way, because I constantly think that everyone around me is ten times better than me. I mean, yes, I’m human. Sometimes people annoy me, sometimes I think they’re being stupid but most of the time? They’re better at me in doing something. Every time. People are amazing. I am not. That has always been my life. How I’ve always thought.

Until I met my friends. That’s not to say that they’re less than me in anyway, but rather they’ve been able to highlight the flaws in people without letting it seem as if this limited a person in some way. Where as, with me, it seems that it was detrimental failure of a person to hold such a flaw. But my friends? They’re slowly teaching me that everyone – everyone – has a flaw, but they also all the good bits in between. And I should be able to see both without hating the person or idealising them.

I guess that’s it.

Nakedstreetkid out x 🙂

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What a battle to fight

Go make your battles with a new world, not with your old one.

I think that’s an important message to take away in this world. As a teenager, I have somehow been able to suffer from a prolonged grief over my past. My thoughts have a constant lingering motion over the abuse I may have experienced or any wrong doings and it’s exhausting. I’m tired of always looking backwards and just staring at it without knowing how to solve the problem. It’s certainly not a fun position to be in.

Nakedstreetkid out

[EDIT: supposed to be published in June]

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An Overflow

My depression is overflowing again.

Each treadmill being squeezed from the pores of my body and collecting in a pool around my feet. Drowning them in an abyss of unhappiness, making me lose my footing.

Outside of my life at home, I miss the time when people couldn’t see me clearly. I miss the time when people saw only what I wanted them to see. I had become a perfect little liar, but now? I’m completely incapable of doing such a thing. People can see the unhappiness written all over my face, people know how hard it is for me to get out of bed and I hate it.

I hate it.

Why did I have to share those poems with them?

Nakedstreetkid out x

[Edit: supposed to be published in May]