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Growing in a fish tank

I like bringing people into my life, and then not at all. I worry that with enough information, they’ll start to speculate, they might even start to connect the dots. So that they can accomplish the damage needed to foil my carefully formulated plan which had aimed to prevent the inevitable rejection waiting for me from my peers. It seems plausible, this fear, and then, not at all.

You see, this is the problem. I constantly feel like I’m living in a fish tank. Like, I know this stone, I know this leaf, I know this water filter and then bam! Big ol’ shocker, I don’t really know this pebble, do I? I don’t really know this tree, do I? I’ve already seen it all, but then I haven’t and I’m stunned into silence. Because even though everything seems the same, it’s not. And everything that isn’t, should be because they’re all made out of each other, and gosh darn it. Life is stupid, ain’t it? Because I could be going through the same old things, driving through the same old waves and yet, I’d still be able to find something confusingly new and I hate it/love it in a perplexed sort of way.

This probably makes no sense, and I don’t expect it to do. But my thoughts feel like they’re rushing around in my head and they won’t stop until I write, so, yeah.

Everything keeps changing – I keep changing – but it all feels the same. And I wonder when I won’t be the same me as I am now. Does the present me have an expiration date? Do these changes have an expiration date? If so, when will it end? Blooming heck, it seems like a never ending story of being an adolescent with a pituitary gland that continues to consistently spew out growth hormones onto my body, onto my mind, for petes sake. And the funny part about it, is that I still haven’t caught up.

Nakedstreetkid out -_-

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Childish rants and Adult hiccups

So, I thought perhaps I should explain my mood earlier on in the day.

For the last week, my brother and I have been having conversation after conversation. He’s essentially been mentoring me through the beginnings of adulthood. This didn’t really start from me saying any particular thing to him but rather what I didn’t say.

So, it all basically started from a “fight”.

Sigh.

Something you must understand about me is that when I get into a “fight” with any one of my siblings (I have 4 in total), I usually just clamp up shut. This has been the same phenomenon that has occurred from since I was child, hardly able to speak because of fear of over stepping boundaries. So, I never tested any boundaries and therefore I never grew a voice. That is not the only thing though. I also wanted to be respectful. What respectful meant to me was not talking back when I was a kid, and just accepting what I was told without question. I guess this mind of thought continued through my childhood and has held true through adolescence. The only difference is now I do screw faces and look away. Meh, progress I guess but still not.

On the morning of the first conversation, my brother and I could’ve gladly entered an “argument” of sorts. With him shouting words at me and I holding onto a screw face for the whole time. But, that day, he decided to treat me as an adult. Decided to talk to me instead of scream at me. He said “G,” looked at me “you’re an adult. You need to start acting like one.” I guess when you begin to be treated like an adult, you feel compelled to act like one.

But it’s not something that happens overnight. So, I am sorry for that childish rant. It shouldn’t have really happened. I guess, I woke up frustrated with my circumstances. I wish I hadn’t but I did. Decided to post my childishness away onto a blank canvas, I suppose. But, at the end of the day, self-pity serves no one. So, I need to learn how to grow up. And there’s probably no sure and fast way to do so, so I’m going to have to buzz through trials and errors in order to make a dent in this growing up scheme.

So, again, I apologise.

Nakedstreetkid out x šŸ™‚

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Mirror Me Perfect

Every time I look into a mirror, all I see is a failure. Everyone always tells me that I have “potential”, that there is “potential” for me to do well but then I always fail. I screwed up at the first year of sixth form and now I’m left with the consequences. I probably won’t get into university with such low predicted grades, and maybe that’s why I’m putting off applying for university. In my head, I keep telling myself that I’m not worth it. And I know that’s a bad attitude to adopt but I can’t help it.

There are times in life when I get like this, and I do stupid thing. I’m a procrastinator because I always want to do everything perfectly, because I’m scared of what could happen if I do get something wrong. So, I guess I do nothing instead. Because if I do nothing, how can I get anything wrong? It’s a cop out, and a very stupid cop out at that but it’s the way I’ve lived my life. Stupidly and with the consequences mounting up.

Sometimes, I wish I was in Generation X. It seems to me they have the best attitude out there. The attitude of, if I don’t try, I’ll never know. I like that attitude. I want to emulate that attitude. Because then, I feel as if my life would start again. Because I would persevere through each struggle and not take every problem so personally. I would just logic my way through it and stay consistent with a solution.

I don’t know, maybe it just as simple as I need to start to become an adult. I need to start to become responsible for my own future and realise that if I really want to grow out and become more like the “me” I know I can be, I need to change my attitude. So, perhaps the title of this shouldn’t be “Mirror Me Perfect” but it should be “Mirror Me Mature”.

Nakedstreetkid out x šŸ˜‰

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Dancing Queen

Okay, so I’m not seventeen anymore. I’m officially 18. But I’m trying my hardest to distance myself from such a number. It’s so silly because I’ve acquired all this added responsibility that I never even needed or wanted. I already pay the rent, I already buy the shopping, I already make dinner. The only difference is that society is willing to recognise me as an adult now that I’ve turned 18. But, what if I no longer want to become one?

Something I hate about being 18 is that I never got to sing that song. You know, Dancing Queen by ABBA. When I was kid, I used to dress up with my best friend in the most ridiculously frilly scarves and her mum’s wigs, each holding onto one of two remote controls screaming along to the lyrics.

You are the Dancing Queen, young and sweet, only seventeen
Dancing Queen, feel the beat from the tambourine!

I remember I used to think that I would love to be 17. What would it be like to be grown up? I would wonder those words all day and all night for some time, convinced that being grown up was quite a mystical period of time. Quite unknown. It took me a while to realise that I had all the responsibilities of being an adult but with the mind of a child. The ignorance of one. Seventeen was an age so blissfully thought about when I was younger.

Sigh, I wish I bloody sang that song when the time was right. When I really was seventeen. But now I’m 18 without a song to sing. Great. Absolutely fabulous.

Poetry

Upside Down World

When I was four
I would hang my head from a wooden chair rather than my legs
I would walk on my hands rather than my feet
Treading carefully across the cold ground
Kissing it softly with the grip of my hands as I aimed to remain in balance

Seeing the world upside down had its perks
The sofa no longer looked like a torn, ragged throne that my father would occupy
It now looked calm, transforming into a radiant fire as the sun slapped against it
Allowing silver, red and orange to sparkle

The mirror no longer looked like a sheet of reflection
But rather a portal to another world where the fire of the couch rained above me
And as I held onto the lava floor
A floor made from circular patterns spinning against my palms
I walked towards the portal on my hands
Slowly at first and then suddenly, running towards it

I regretted it instantly
A ray of sun had hit me against my face
Searing my skin with its fiery vengeance
Mercilessly hitting me again from another angle

I tumbled down clumsily, trying desperately to dodge its rays
And suddenly upside down world was gone
Disappearing behind the mirror

As I lay down on the carpet
Waiting for my mother to find me