Recovery Wednesdays

Angry impulses and overwhelming shame

How do people allow themselves to feel anger? It’s a scary concept to me. Anger can be so overwhelming, so controlling over your actions and your words. It’s so easy to carelessly hurt someone you love when you’re angry. I never understood why people let it control them. Even now, I cannot understand it. I would much rather hold onto it, keep it inside me rather than expel it in sudden bouts of frustration.

That’s maybe why I’m so silent when I’m angry. I try to hold it in, rather than lash out at my family or friends. That, or I start blaming myself. Until my anger turns into self-loathing. I try not to do that so much, now. I try to allow myself to be angry with them. Even if I can’t necessarily be openly angry with them, it’s a start.

That’s how we started therapy this week. Talking about anger, and how it seems to be the energy behind some of my more self-destructive behaviours. So, we tried to pinpoint my thoughts, behaviours, triggers and expressions during this certain emotions. As well as others. One of them being – of course, sadness.

Something that I hadn’t expected was shame. When I had asked her “why shame?”, she had told me that maybe I felt shameful about my own thoughts and perhaps that is why I censored what I say. It makes sense. But honestly, I would rather not agree with it. Not because it isn’t true, just because I don’t like the idea of being ashamed to say what you think. I hadn’t even thought of it as shame, but rather, a weakness deep within. To be afraid of saying what you thought just because people would judge you… I don’t like that one bit. That sense of weakness resonated with the others that we named: sadness, anger and anxiety. I hadn’t even known that I felt anxious about half the things I do. I thought that was just what stress felt like. But what I was feeling was anxiety. Strange.

In general, I find it difficult to pinpoint the emotions that I feel. I’ve never had to name them before. When I felt them, though, I felt them with every fibre of my being. And quite often, I used one of the umbrella terms – anger, fear, joy, sad and disgust. Kind of like the movie ‘Inside Out’, that’s how my mind worked. Complex emotions like shame and anxiety, never quite entered my vocabulary to describe my own emotions.

Thinking about anger this week and discovering why I’m so inclined to keep it inside has been quite triggering. I’ve been thinking more and more about my father. And in doing so, I have triggered an onset of quite heavy flashbacks and tears. Terrible.

Anyway, I have homework to do for therapy. Which is a first. I feel like I’m actually going to do it as well. We’ll see how that goes.

Anywho,

Nakedstreetkid out x 😛

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Recovery Wednesdays

Self-censoring Bullsh*t

I think I’ve avoided putting something up for long enough now, so excuse me for any mistakes or dodgy wording, I just want to get something out there.

This week was… Difficult, to say the least.

I think the hardest thing about therapy this week was having to talk about… myself, despite doing everything in my power not to do so. Which sounds counterintuitive but I did not do this consciously, but rather, without even realising it. Almost automatically. In essence, it was second nature to me to avoid talking about myself by talking about other people and their own struggles. Which, fortunately (or unfortunately for me), my therapist picked up on straight away and we ended up talking about it.

We ended up talking about self-censoring.

What I had explained to her was that I needed time to think about some of the questions she had presented to me in the privacy of my own home. I had reasoned with her that I didn’t know how I was going to respond or react while I had someone sat in front of me. I would much rather think about it by myself, and control and cater my responses to her for the next time. I just couldn’t let my guard down.

Her response to that was understanding, she said that this subconcious reaction to self-censor may have developed because as I child, I always had to be careful of what I said and who I said it to. Which made sense. It’s just…

Sigh.

It’s just that now that I feel the need to be even more cautious around her. I’m hyper aware of it now and what I want to do is reinforce my walls of self-defence rather than bring it down.

I doubt that is what she wanted, but I’m pretty stuck on what to do.

Nakedstreetkid out x -_-

Recovery Wednesdays

Paralysing Procrasination

I’m beginning to find everything difficult again.

I think that, when I started this schedule thing, I began to gain some perspective and motivation but that has reversed slightly and I feel as if I’m back at square one. Which is, of course, untrue. It just feels like it, you know?

I think it may have something to do with my sister checking up with me on a constant basis. Even though I’m sure all she wants is to help, it’s kind of making me feel worse. Because I have to detail to her what I’ve done that day and all honesty, all it does is highlight to me how little I’ve done that day. When I was healthier, I could cram about 3 or 4 big things into my day and that was with the added stress of school. Now that my days are endless, it feels like I’m wasting them. Probably because I am. I’m not productive in any sense.

The thing is, an hour can feel like a minute when you’re depressed. And that is a HUGE problem for me. I can sleep for maybe 3, 4 or 5 hours at a time and feel as if I’ve blinked. And when I awake, it is just that bit more difficult for me to drag myself out of my bed and GET SOMETHING DONE. Because, by that point, I am hyper aware about the fact that I’ve already wasted so much time that it seems so fruitless to do anything else. So, I spend another hour worrying about that and just wanting to go back to sleep, so I do. And when I awake, I’m facing the same problem with even less time to do something than before. So, I spend another hour trying to motivate myself out of bed and by the time I do, everyone is back from school or work and, hand on heart, I can’t deal with that amount of people (I have 3 siblings that live with me), so return to the comfort of my bed.

Not sleeping.

Not even resting really.

Just lying there, thinking and worrying about what I am to say to my sister when she comes to ask me about my day.

When a task seems as big as I amplify it in my head, the pressure to do it the right way mounts up and your ability to do it lessens. And you’re stuck in a state of paralysis, procrastinating because you don’t know what you actually need to do anymore.

It’s so frustrating.

Nakedstreetkid out -_-

Recovery Wednesdays

Sedated rambles from a depressed teen

I think the thing about depression is that it is so hard to pin point when it truly started. It kind of just comes on and continues for such a long time that you don’t quite know when or how you ended up in that state. But you did, or rather, something did. Because more often than not, there is a trigger. No matter how small or insignificant it seemed to be at the time. There is often a trigger, individual to your own depression. 

That is how I started my first session with my new therapist on Monday. Trying to figure out what triggered my depression. To be honest, I was quite sedated on over-the-counter cold and flu medication so, at first, it was quite the bit difficult to figure it out. I think that, even if I hadn’t been as out of it as I was, it still would have been difficult to figured it out because it isn’t something you ever truly think about. It’s hard enough to accept you have depression, let alone figuring out when it came on. 

But we were able to identify when it started. Right now, we figure it must be when my father left the house which would’ve been when I was about 10 or 11 years old. We both understand that estimate can so easily change as we continue to unveil more and more things from my past. Which is nice, because I think anyone can agree that it can be hard to go back on something once it feels set in stone.

I’m glad that I went because it feels like I’m finally making progress. 

Nakedstreetkid out x