Insomnia’s anxious depression

It is funny because this week I have just not wanted to exist and fall off the face of the earth. But just for a little while.

This week has been something else. Mainly difficult. But fun also.

I haven’t been able to have a full nights sleep in about a week because I’ve been so incredibly anxious. But because of depression, I’ve been so incredibly tired and the need to sleep has been overwhelming. Which has me tearing right up because I’m in this constant limbo where I am stuck in an exhausted haze of churned up emotions and inedible thoughts. I feel like smashing my head against a wall, if only to finally wake up or fall asleep.
It has reached quite disastrous heights.

Oh, and because this exhaustion has overtaken my life, I’ve stopped revising, and because I’ve stopped revising, I’m about a week and a half behind schedule in my revision timetable. Because of this, I’m completely stressed out, but I’m not sure what I want to do because I need to revise but I am finding it so incredibly difficult.

The only thing that is getting me out of bed and moving is my niece. Which is the good bit.

I’ve spent quite a lot of time with her, despite my exhaustion. In fact, she is the only reason I have been able to sleep because I cradle her in my arms and we fall asleep together. Twice a day. Which is great. And then, her and I play catch, read a book (even though she’s not old enough to understand it yet), run around, eat food, crawl until she’s comfortable to walk again, recite our ABCs and 123s and just chill in general. If you’re wondering, she’s only 11 months. A year she’ll be at the end of December.

The really fun bit would have to be work. Work has always cracked me up a bit. Because the people there are hilarious. You slowly begin to learn the jokes that seem to circulate around friendship groups and what not. Which I have to say, are super funny and the more people know you, the less people shout. Which I am a fan of.

Hm…

I guess that is it for now. Trust me, there is far more in my head but maybe I can finally get some sleep after my horrendous nightmare, so I shall see (and talk) later!

Nakedtsreetkid out xx

Thoughts: 25 degrees under, 3 degrees out

So, it’s gotten to this point in the year where I don’t wear anything but a top, knee high socks and knickers to bed. And that’s mostly because when I get under my quilt, it’s way too hot for anything else. So I just deal with the bare minimum so that I don’t overheat and sweat through the layers of skin and cloth that would otherwise surround me. Which I think is fairly reasonable.

However, when I wake up in the morning, the contrast between the warmth under my quilt and cold outside of it is too much. So much so that I just don’t want to get out of bed. Which is silly. But I digress.

The weird thing about this situation is that the fact that it’s cold outside of my quilt can be very much related to the fact that I don’t want to get out of bed. Which, in some ways it is, because the world is honestly a cold place sometimes. The places you go, the people you meet, they’re all cold. Sometimes you will smile and wave at someone in the morning and they just don’t smile back. It makes you wonder if it’s you or something you did. So you put your hand down and tuck your smile away in hopes that your attempt to isolate your actions and words from their mood could somehow ease their sadness. And you think to yourself that maybe you should’ve stayed under your covers today. Because if you’re not giving back to the world in someway, why are you even awake at all?

Which is silly. But it’s what flicks through my head when I get a negative response. The thought just buzzes right through me and as soon as I get past it, I continue with my day, while slowly and uncomfortably realising that my actions can amount to very little. Or very much. Depending on the person and situation.

And I think it’s the change of climate that makes it easier to stay in bed than to walk out of it. Why go outside to the cold, when you can stay underneath and bathe in the warmth for a little while longer?

I wonder why and then not all.

Nakedstreetkid out 😉