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RESTART 

There was a point this month where I told myself that I would blog everyday this month. And that point happens to be on the 1st of November.

Between then and now I’ve seemed to somehow lose the want to do that – to do anything in fact and while I would like to blame it all on being depressed, that would be a lie. 

In truth, I believe the reason why I have avoided writing is because I am petrified to get it wrong and not do well. A feeling similar to not handing in a piece of homework because you know that at most, you will get a C in that assignment. Now, A C isn’t bad in itself, it’s only when you get a consecutive string of Cs while wanting to get just a little higher than that for once.

I know this just sounds silly because reading that back, I know the problem lies in not trying. I don’t try hard enough to become better.

Aye, back now anyway. 

Talk later, 

Nakedstreetkid out x  

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An honest story about Child-on-child sexual abuse

Child abuse is something that makes a lot of people uncomfortable. 

Child-on-child sexual abuse (CoCSA) damn right cringes people the hell out. 

I’m here to talk about both, if not now, then for a short time soon.

What amazes me is that it’s not widely talked about and victims of  (CoCSA) are shamed into silence about it or are mistakenly blamed for the sexual assault they encountered as a small child. Like, “no, that wasn’t sexual abuse! That was you exploring your sexuality, you little deviant!”

But guess what? 

If you’ve had to suffer through unwanted sexual contact as a child from another child, that is CoCSA. That experience shouldn’t be explained away, it shouldn’t be brushed under the rug nor should it be minimilised. 

Your experience is very real, incredibly valid and shouldn’t be silenced because it makes people uncomfortable. That’s not fair on you or your experience. 

I’m sick and tired of people looking down on victims of CoCSA because they can’t wrap it around their own minds how one child can violate another in such a way, but holy hell does it happen. And it happens in the thousands. 

One way or another, that experience can very well effect your functioning. 

I know because it has effected mine. And I hate it. Absolutely hate it with a passion and I wish I never had to go through that but I did. 

I did.

Nakedstreetkid out x

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Challenge Me

I want to write more and learn to be a better writer.

I know that this is coming a bit too late, but I’m currently at a time in my life where things are changing. I may not get to places I want to go and that’s frightening. 

Something that I’ve never quite done was look on this website for like-minded  (or even opposing) content. And I regret that. I’ve seemed to successfully shut everyone and everything out so that I can continue to write in my own self-made bubble. And that is because I was afraid of what people may say and was sure that whatever was said would surely end in criticism, I would not engage in this community. 

But weirdly enough, I’m at a point in my writing where I want to get better, I want the criticism so that I have a more dynamic foundation to start from thats will allow growth in my writing style. Right now I’m bored and quite frankly, understimulated with what I write and the way I write, that ultimately, I would just like to grow.

And that does mean putting myself out there. That does mean receiving both critical thought  (which is good) and hateful speech  (which is bad). But I’m sick of not being challenged and staying well within my comfort zone. I need to get out and try something different, even if it ends terribly, at least I have tried it.

Dude, I’m ready, give me a challenge.

Nakedstreetkid out x

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STORYTIME: The story of Little Miss Scarface

I find that I have always grown up hating my body.

This was true for me especially after being sexually abused. I remember feeling dirty and just hating myself beyond comprehendabe words. That I wanted, more than anything, to get rid of that feeling of dirt that layed grinning, firmly attached to my skin.

So I found a way.

Something that I used to do from a very young age was scrub away at my body with a sponge.The sponge being a notted lace of mesh-like material, which was – and still is – a very popular method of cleaning the body in Africa, Ghana. This increased with a furious vengence during and after the sexual abuse. I would scrub and scrub and scrub, until the first layer of skin came off and then the second layer.

Essentially, without knowing it, I was engaging in self-harm behaviours.

It was something I did in private and my mum didn’t really know about it until I started getting acne at the age of 10. Which I was so embarassed by, so, what did I do? I scrubbed it away.

And my mum was furious. 

Absolutely furious.
She kept asking me why would I do that to myself, that people were going to see that ugly mark on my forehead and people were going to hate me.

But I didn’t really care. People already hated me, I didn’t have any friends and scubbing away my problems in the past made me feel satisfied, so why should I care? But my mum went on and on, shouting at me until I felt utterly ashamed of what I had done and felt very much that I shouldn’t have done it for everyone to see. That now that people could see it, they would definitely not be my friend.

So, I went into school the next day, with a collection of small plasters on my forehead and because they were too small, I had to place some of the sticky parts onto the open wound. I remember it hurting so much but being proud of myself because I had successfully hidden it.

A lot of people came p to me and asked me about it and I laughed it of, saying that I had skid my head on the pavement while playing outside but at least I was one step closer to being the next Harry Potter. Most people bought that and a lot more people found me interesting.

The long story short? I made friends, my self-esteem grew and without knowing it, I surrounded myself with people who somewhat cared about me.

Nakedstreetkid out x

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Goodbye and Thank You

My therapist has left and I know that I’m going to miss the hell out of her.

Throughout my whole life, I’ve had the misfortune of being stuck quite heavily in co-dependant relationships and thus, a lot of toxic relationships. But she taught me the importance, benefits and simply how rewarding a healthy relationship can be.

Something that I regret not doing is explicitly saying thank you to her. I guess it never occurred to me during the actual leaving because I felt it was implied in every word I said on the day.

But, I’m truly going to miss that lady and I’m so thankful for everything she has taught me over the past year. I know my year would have turned out a lot differently without her there to guide me through my troubles and tribulations.

So, I wish her all the best and to her:

I thank you for everything.

NakedStreetkid out xx

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Suicide: A short but needed reflction

I messed up.

I messed up big time.

Two months ago, I got the exceedingly strong impulse to kill myself. This was all after spending a horrendously long time consumed by depression, anger and self-hatred. After overhearing an attack on my personality I was no longer being able to keep all of these feelngs contained in a tight bubble and it all burst open.

The thought, like a cancer, by that point had metastasised in my mind to just kill myself. My reasoning? It was the only way to be kind to those around me and to my future self.

But, I obviously didn’t and here’s why:

I realised that the way I was feeling was temporary. Powerful, all-consuming, suffocating but ultimately, temporary.

And even though my brother calls me weak and selfish for wanting to kill myself, I know that his stance on suicide is ruled by his own unresolved past suicidal ideation. 

The reason I have messed up?

Because I think that explaining myself to him will solve something. It won’t. He has his own issues and I have mine. The truth is we both have entirely different experiences despite co-existing in the same orbit for so long.

At this point I need to take a step back, be selfish in the right way and work on myself. I need to be a little more self-compassionate, learn to manage my fluctuating emotions and stop isolating myself so much.

I just need to grow.

And I’ll be damned if that’s not what I do for the rest of the year.

I’ll be damned.

Nakedstreetkid out x

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Maybe I can make it

Looking back, it is actually so strange because I cannot believe I got through all of this… BS that is my life.

I actually made it this far.

Wasn’t it Shane Koyczan that said:

“If today is the worst it has ever been, remember that by tomorrow, today would have ended.”

So why not two more years? Let’s see what happens in the next two years. Maybe, I really can make it.

Nakedstreetkid out xx