journal, random, Tideous Tuesdays

An update: Impossible illusions imagined

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I feel lost, unloved, unguided and lonely. Quite a self-deterministic mouthful, so, let’s get onto it.

First off, I’m pretty much done with being alive. I look all around me and all I am blinded by in my waking moments is a consumerist lifestyle that continues to propel me into my student loans. And when that is washed down the drain by my heavy, unbridled spending, I can stitch my eyes closed even further to the increasing debt as I dip my sticky fingers £2,000 deep into my overdraft.

All great. All deconstructed.

Let’s move on.

Since engaging in this broadcast state, where every self-obsessed waking thought is living and breathing on instagram, Facebook and so on; where you can see from the comfort of the own phone, which are all in their own self-righteous way apparently smart, what Jessica had for breakfast 2 seconds ago, I find it particularly difficult to allow anyone past a superficial level into my life.

Even so, I will always be envious of those who have the opportunity to be vulnerable with each other. To let people into their lives, knowing full well they will experience so much pain. An easy trade I believe if you understand the full scope of the liberation pain can bring. Healing rarely occurs without some form of pain beforehand and so in that sense, it is completely worth it. Scary in its own right. Not so common regardless but still, because of it, I feel indefinitely unloved as this is not something I have obvious capacity to achieve any time soon.

In the meantime, I’ve joined websites that will support my eccentric lifestyle of consuming drugs, both prescription and otherwise. A website where I will have my internal needs of being able to dump my emotional baggage onto another, a steady flow of validation despite the absolute ridiculous turmoil bouncing against my heart, all met.

An impossible illusion? Perhaps. I’m laughing.

Anyway, where was I?

Put simply, if I can get paid for giving away something that is becoming increasingly meaningless to me – that is sex – then why the hell not? I would prefer it. So, emotional needs met? Check. Physical needs met? Check, check.

Hm, so that’s dealing with or rather, addressing my feelings of being unloved, possibly feeling of how “unguided” I feel, maybe a tad bit of feeling “lost”.

And now, the loneliness:

Well, let’s be honest, I was born to be lonely in a room full of people. (Self-pitying, I know but please, bear with?) Four other siblings, countless cousins, a hundred or two of possible peers to make friends with and not one of them ever wanted to play when I was younger? Long story short, I was never comfortable with being alone but I certainly adopted mannerisms which I thought would hopefully fool those around me otherwise. I mean, the reading, the silence, the headphones always in – all ways to push and pull away from those around me.

It’s hilarious because I haven’t even gotten into how that has translated into my adult life now. Let me digress for a second. When I feel a friendship is being threatened by outside forces, I will keep that friend at arms length while mentally straining not to pull them closer and never let go. The fear is real. The anxiety deafening. I’m a bit of a maverick in that way. A bit destructive. Ready to overdose on my own medicine.

Should I even continue?

My point is: Life is going swell. My self-destructive behaviour is reeking havoc in my mind’s eye, colouring everything distasteful and breeding a weird brand of distrust between me and my surrounding environment.

Oh, and I’ve taken up smoking. It’s lessening the anxiety to be honest. Or making it worse.

I forget.

Really,

I do.

Nakedstreetkid out x

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journal, random

Self-doubt and other tribulations 

So, I’m experiencing this period of real self-doubt, where I can’t seem to believe that I am good enough for the course I have chosen for university. 

I feel that in some ways I’m not adequate enough, that I’m not good enough or prepared enough for a future in this career. And somehow through that, I feel as if this experience is completely individual to myself – that no one else in this world could possibly experience this level of doubt before they go into university. Which is of course false. 
Everyone experiences this doubt, whether founded in truth or not. 

But the thing that people forget is that everything is temporary. That what may be true today may not be true tomorrow and that there is always time to change your mindset and thus, change your outcomes in life. 

The truth is that I’m afraid right now. I’m afraid that my place in university may be revoked because of previous mental health issues that occured within the last year. And because I was so honest and so open, they now know everything and that could work against me but I hope it doesn’t. I hope they see my honesty as me taking responsibility for my actions and my future. 

Because at the end of the day, that is the most anyone can do. And self-doubt isn’t going to help me as all it can do is alter the way I behave and will work against me. 

So, in this case, I’m going to peel off the veil of self-doubt and have a little bit more confidence in myself. 

Because then,no matter what happens, at least I’ve shown my true self. 

Nakedstreetkid out xx 

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Balancing things out: An update of happier times

Okay, a lot has happened and I really don’t want y’all to think that it has all been bad. Bceuase that is not truly representative of everything right now.

So, for my sanity and for ours, here are all the good bits.

I’m doing much better in learning all of my content before my exams because I now go to “night school”. Which, to those outside of my life, do not understand how great that is for me because, as hinted above, I rarely learn or understad all of the content in my subjects before my exams. Which is a terrifying reality for me before every flipping exam which is probably why I get so anxious about each and every exam. But guess what guys! This shall no longer be the case because I am actually learning!

So, hey guys, someone is going to pass an exam soon which I’m excited about and, something I kind of need because…

I got accepted by my first choice university! Which is awesome! How I did it when I was so depressed and suicidal, I will never know, but I am glad I powered through all of those rigorous interviews because now, it is so worth it.

On the note of depression (and the other one i.e. suicide), I actually have a psychological evaluation in a weeks time which is going to be great. Why is it going to be great? Because I can finally start to actually tend to and thus treay and heal all of these open wounds which they call trauma. Yay! And maybe I can get some help with this emotional dysregulation, which would be amazing.

Okay, that is the juice of it all. There is obviously a lot more fibre to all of it, but we don’t have all day. So, perhaps later? Or, in three months, whichever is first! ;P

Listening to: Wait for me by Motopony

Nakedstreetkid out xx

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Moving out and everything in between

Hi guys, it has been quite a while since I’ve written a blog post which is so odd because I usually have so much to say in general. However, for quite a while I withdrew from everything and everyone and just didn’t feel like writing because I no longer had the energy for it.

I have been through a lot over the past few weeks. Perhaps not a lot relative to other people but a lot for me. I essentially fell out with my brother and because of that, I became suicidal all over again. Thankfully, my mum caught me before I did anything fatal and she gave me the option to take myself out of the situation and housesit for my grandmother for a day or two. It has now been about 5 weeks and I haven’t yet moved back in. And I don’t think I’m going to.

In fact, the only reason I go “home” is to have my daily showers and catch up with my sisters if I see them, but that’s it. I think I’m going to stay there for the entirety of the Summer and then go straight to university and never have to go “home” again.

And I know this all seems rediculous and so outrageously childish but I cannot continue to put myself in a situation that contantly triggers me to feel so suicidal.

I’m not saying that underlying issues have been resolved and me moving out has allieviated the pressure from any of them. However, the situation that puts me the most in danger of doing fatal harm to myself has been temporarily eliminated. And if that is the best I can do for right now, then I’m going to do it.

I’m so incredibly aware of how chunky and distorted this post is but I’m trying to just throw all of my thoughts out there before I chicken out from writing again.

Also, just so you know, I have reached out for support from a psychologist and that should start just before the end of my exams.

Listening to: Cold Arms by Mumford and Sons

Nakedstreetkid out xx

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Cinemas and Conversations

Today I’m actually going out with a friend that I haven’t seen in about a month, so I’m actually quite excited about that. At the same time, I’m equally worried because I’ve always viewed her as better than me. Mostly because she is an intellectual wizard and now also as she did actually make it to university with flying colour (A*AA), where as I (CCC) did not.

So, sometimes I find it a struggle to talk to her only because I’m not going through the struggles of university at the moment. Instead, I’m actually troubling myself with the effort to meet those struggles eventually with all this hard work. So it may actually be difficult to have a conversation. But hopefully, because we are friends, we can continue to talk about all that we connected on in the first place.

However, realistically, we are going to go watch a movie together, so that involves very little talking. And if anything our conversations would revolve right around the movie itself. Which is a good thing as our conversations shouldn’t enter anything deeper than that.

Hm, do wish me luck!

Nakedstreetkid out! 🙂

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Updates and all

I think that I should finally explain what this blog is after owning it for over a year.

This blog is a space where I, Regina, can freely rant and rave about anything that is troubling me. Equally, it is a place where I can choose to discuss with others about the trials and tribulations of being a 19 year old teenager, living in England. And yes, I have a history of abuse of every kind, so at times, I may write about that, if only to make sense of it.

Right now in my life, I am actually taking a gap year. And during this gap year, instead of the normal and very understandable need to travel the world, I have decided to stay at home and really work on myself. How have I done that? Well, for starters, I have decided to start therapy and actually work through things that are troubling me. Which has been somewhat successful. However, as of last week, I have actually completed my allotted amount of 12 sessions that the NHS provided free of charge with my very lovely therapist who (for privacy sake) I shall name FeeFee.

But, all is good, I am actually being referred for long-term therapy at my local hospital. And if everything goes to plan, the wait for that should only last less than 3 months and they accept me into their care. Yay! In the meantime, I am on a round of anti-depressants, the infamous Sertraline or better known in the world of crazy as Zoloft. Which I am loving right now, so all is good on that.

Finally, I should explain that because of my crippling depression of last year and my ongoing anxiety, I was unable to reach my full potential last year. Hence, I only achieve relatively low grades (CCC) in my A-levels last year when in reality to get into university, I needed to achieve ABB. So, I have entered myself to actually retake my A-level exams at the end of the year. But again, because of my depression and anxiety for last few months, I have been doing nothing to prepare for that.

But now, I am determined to actually beat this anxiety and depression and actually achieve what I set out to achieve. So, I am beginning to study again (hurrah) and will continue to up until the beginning of my exams in May and June (which is frightingly close).

And that is it.

That is my life at the moment in a few paragraphs.

So, I hope you enjoy my blog and discover things about me (and hopefully about yourself too) that you would like to discuss. If so, feel free to message me. If not, feel free to message me regardless.

Right now, I feel like I am becoming an open book, so do talk to me, I don’t mind talking. At all. Or at least for the moment.

Alrighty then!

Nakedstreetkid out 😉

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Why 2015 was a terrible year for me

Funny thing is, a lot of people I have talked to have said to me that 2015 was not their year either. That it was filled to the brim with mishaps and regrets and they just hated the year in general.

2015 was a rubbish year for me.

It’s probably why I’ve been so pessimistic for the last few months. I can’t even say realistic anymore like I used to, I’ve just been marinating in plain old pessimism. And it has got to stop, but first of all, I’ve just got to get a lot off my chest before I am able to move on from it.

First off, at the beginning of 2015’s academic year, I found out that I didn’t get into university. Which was heart breaking for me because I have always idealised getting into university as a milestone that I must reach otherwise I amounted to nothing. So, you can understand the heartbreak, right? But then, a university actually called me up and told me they could offer me place.

And this is something I haven’t really told anyone because what I did next was just… Unthinkable.

I refused the offer.

And I know, I know how silly that may seem given the obvious heart break and melancholy that had followed not being offered a place. I know that it seems unthinkable. But really, that choice was made because I actually thought about it. Was the course I picked really the right one for me? And guess what I concluded (which really should be obvious from the way this is going), I concluded no. No the course that I had thought I wanted to do, did not encompass the elements of enjoyment that I needed.

So, yes, I rejected the offer.

And that should of made me far more determined and hard working come September, but it didn’t. The damage had already been done, my depression set in motion. I was officially on the brink of destruction.

I was completely distraught from the whole situation that the thought of living became unbearable. That was, unless I found something productive with my days to do. So, I signed up to a volunteering programme in a rush without really thinking about whether it was what I wanted to do. I passed the interview, passed the training and was on my way to better things. Or, so I thought. Until I decided to leave about a week into it because it hadn’t been what I wanted to do. I didn’t like the hours, I didn’t like the challenge despite loving the people and so left.

And this… this had set me back about a month at this point. I was dwaddling half way through September and for some reason, not doing anything seemed to make me feel worse. So, I did what I did best, walked around the City of London that day. I walked until my feet were sore, rode bus after bus until every time I closed my eyes I saw red and listened to people’s conversations until they became a mild amusement to my spiralling thoughts.

That day was a strange one.

I was crying in the middle of the street without a care in the world. I was making plan after goddamn plan on what to do. I was planning if I wanted to go to university the next year, what steps I needed to take. If I didn’t want to do anything, what steps I needed to take.

I mean, this was mainly around the time I was seriously contemplating suicide. It had, at the time, seemed like the only viable option and I was quite frankly exhausted of putting on a smile for my friends. I was exhausted of pretending to everyone that everything was alright and I just wanted to exit this world in a quite permanent matter.

But I didn’t.

You see, the months before, I’d had a mental health assessment because I was not in too good a place in April. Because they hadn’t any spaces at the time, in true British fashion, I was put into a cue and told to wait. And, even though this was at the back of my mind, I never thought it would come to fruition because it had been months since I had last heard of them.

But I had gotten a phone call saying that they could now offer me therapy. So, I had another option. I could either live in depression for the next year and go to university, kill myself (this was something I had made a plan and set a date to) or try and get better and if I really wanted to, go to university.

I ended up choosing the third option (obviously). I changed the content of my blog so I could start writing how I felt more freely, I went to weekly therapy sessions, I got a job (that I deeply enjoy), I visited my friends in uni as to not feel as alone and I am now applying to university.

I should place a disclaimer right here, right now, I am not at all healed by a long shot. In fact, my allotted number of therapy sessions are coming to an end (I’m on 10 out of 12) and I actually started a club that I’m not interested in. I still have flashbacks, bouts of depression, my anxiety is a weird thing that has sky rocketed and I still go through spells of suicidal ideation. But, I am getting better.

I am getting better.

And I’ll tell you how and why in the next blog post.

Nakedstreetkid out x