Uncategorized

Contemplating the misery of university

I was thinking of going travelling next year. Well, the latter half of next year, when the new academic year starts.

I don’t think I can quite handle university yet, so I thought I would skip it for another year.

I have a lot to learn about the world that I just haven’t learnt. I’m not nearly as stable as I would like to be mentally. Actually, I am quite all over the place and there are days where I can barely function like a human being because I am so exhausted with life. Or, there are days when all I can do is look ahead at the gaping hole that is my future and how I shrink in comparison does is not an appealing feeling.

I say this all as someone who is contemplating not going to university. So, I am unsure.

You see, we are told from very young ages that is our destiny.

We go through Primary School being asked, what do you want to do in the future. And soon enough, our answer transform from the laid back response of astronauts and firemen to an elated eleven year old screaming university.

And then you have secondary school, same question is asked, but that elation diminishes into a small fear. Because no one knows what they want to do, and by the time you finish your Secondary School career, your heart is experiencing small palpitations because you think you’ve chosen what you want to do, but you’re still unsure.

And finally, you’ve made it to sixth form/college and you’re in your final year and the same question is asked “What do you want to do?” But this time, louder, as if someone is screaming right through your eardrums and to the pre-frontal cortex of your brain. And it’s like your whole world is defined on it, like once you get there, there is either a ladder hanging 2 feet from the cliffs edge attached to the steps of university. Or a gorge below you, where you must step off the cliff in order to reach the rich treasures that self-determination gets you when you decide to build your own ladder to reach the top.

It’s funny, because no one tells you about that horrendous fall you must endure. They are too busy preparing you for the bright lights of university. Which I still want to go to. Just not yet.

Not yet.

The question is, is six months enough for me to feel fulfilled? I don’t know.

Nakedstreetkid out x

Advertisements
Uncategorized

A hospital visit

Strange enough, yesterday, I did not actually talk about the complete nervousness of which was my day.

Well, yesterday, I had to go to the hospital which was nerve wracking to say the least. I am generally not a massive fan of hospitals, so going in had me on edge.
Mainly because the smell of a hospital brought back some memories of being stuck in there because; a: I was a constantly sick as a child, and that meant I would always hate going to hospital despite my many illnesses; and b: my late uncle would always go to hospital because of cancer, and I would always be left alone to wonder and often got lost in its endless and foreboding halls.

I’m not one hundred percent sure if everyone has this where they live, but I more specifically went to the walk-in centre. And I went there because I had lost circulation partially in my middle finger. So, despite being fearful of the hospital, I was more afraid of never having the ability to say eff you to the rest of the world because my finger had to be amputated. So, with my finger still partially working, I bent it forward away from my other fingers and thumb, raised it to eye level and walked bravely into the hospital.

But there was no need for such bravery. What I hadn’t calculated in my highly anxious mind was the fact that most hospitals/walk-in centres in London had been renovated. So, unsurprisingly, they had lost the majority of that smell I had come to associate with hospitals. So, I’m pretty glad about that.

Anyway, everything turned out to be completely fine and I went home pretty satisfied.

Nakedstreetkid out x

Uncategorized

18 and counting

Okay, so maybe I haven’t written this month. But that isn’t that long. Like, the last time I wrote was 2 or 3 weeks ago. And, I mean, that isn’t that bad, is it?

Anyway, a lot has been going on. I’ve been volunteering, I’ve had my 18th birthday and started Year 13 (senior year). Which means I have been so incredibly busy. And every time I want to post something, I look at it and it just seems so stupid. You see, the post that I published just a few minutes ago, I was actually going to post that at the beginning of September. On the 7th to be exact. But then I talked myself out of posting anything and just saved it to drafts.

Anywho, things have been so busy. It’s like I have homework everyday. And I’m really trying my best to strike up a balance between work and play but it’s so hard to do!

Oh, and then I’m performing one of my poems in assembly tomorrow because I agreed to it today. But because of that I realised how utterly depressing my poems are. Which would technically make sense because I only make a poem to release any emotion but normally negative emotions. So, they’re usually depressing. But then, after writing it, I have all this energy to just be happy. And I’m not going to sit down and write a poem about how happy I am. No. I’m just going to go out there and be happy. It’s that simple.

Anyway, my eyes are snapping shut. I will hopefully update a little bit more frequently. At least two more before the end of the month. *shrugs* She says hopefully.

Nakedstreetkid out x 🙂