Flashback

Flashback: 4:47am

4:47 am 

I wake up

My eyes sorrowful 

Cheeks soaked in tears 

And lips trembling red 
5:00 am

I pick myself up from my bed

Shuffle out 

Into the cold stare of the bathroom 

And open the window 
5:05 am

The breeze slaps me in the face 

I hear leaves chuckle in the wind 

To the songs of birds 

And the cry of foxes 
5:07 am

A glittering gold hits against the blocked building in front of me

A shimmer of the sun 

Showing its reflection 

As I wait 
5:09 am

The sun hits the building fully 

Made from multiple windows, 

Bricked walls 

And bird shit 

But glass 

All the same
5:11 am

I glance up 

The sun’s reflection rises

A mirror of orange 

Trapped for a moment 

Ready to greet my crying face 

with grace and art
5:11 am 

I smile 
5:12 am

I leave 

Uncategorized

A state of Dissociation

I think that it’s lovely, not to be dissociating on a constant basis. I think I’ve been in quite a numb state of dissociation for a while now. Maybe for a month now.

Maybe two.

I’m not sure but it wasn’t constant. It was in and out. I would never quite get enough “okay days” as to feel the clarity I do now. It’s quite lovely. It makes me remember what I am missing.

Maybe I can stay this way. At least through and past the beginning of the New Year. I like being able to feel something and I like being able to feel past a few passions that would seep past my mood every few days.

It’s just nice to be present in the here and now again.
I hope it lasts.

Nakedstreetkid out x

Uncategorized

Bearable Boredom

I have memories in that school. Things I remember doing. People I remember spending time with. And even though I hated it there and really couldn’t wait to leave, the people… It was the people that made it bearable. Made going through the days easier.

I miss them. They were all so amazing.

Nakedstreetkid out x

NaBloPoMo

Thought Cycling Wonders

Yesterday was a day filled to the brim with thought cycling wonders.

I haven’t been able to sleep properly because I’ve been thinking for hours on end, and because of that, have been pulling out hair like no tomorrow. Not going to blame my tangle (which I now call my Tangle Monster), only because I didn’t have it on me.

But the whole thing started with thinking. Thinking about school, thinking about books, thinking about how much I’ve studied, thinking about work, thinking about whether I’ve paid my exam fees, thinking if I’ve signed up for my exams… The list goes on and on. And this type of thinking lasted for hours. The night before Friday, I was plagued with the same thoughts. However, it had kept me up well into the night.

Which, to be honest, allowed me to go a bit bonkers. I went off on one, hallucinating because I hadn’t slept and drinking some rum with ginger beer to calm my nerves. I ended up falling asleep at 4 in the morning, which in retrospect, wasn’t that late, but for a girl like myself who despite not going to school likes going to sleep at 10:30pm every night and waking up around 7:30am, it was a lot. And it wasn’t a night out and I wasn’t having fun.

I was just thinking and damn near tired of doing so.

I’m glad that I’m wide awake now and have had some sort of sleep, even if it’s only a couple of hours.

Nakedstreetkid out xx

NaBloPoMo

One day at a time

I think that it is so darn difficult to actually write day to day when you don’t actually do anything different with your day. That is the main reason why I actually hate writing on my blog everyday, but, then again, NaBloPoMo is supposed to challenge you, is it not?

So, in a way, it is challenging me.

I’m forced to do things with my day, where I would ordinarily just sleep all day. Even though there are days where I write nothing about what I had done that day, I still leave my house and I still interact with the world. Or, at the very least, I do something productive at home which is… Strange. Sigh.

Anyway, I’m getting through it, one day at a time. I have two days until I’m half way through which is much better than last year. So, in a way, I am pretty proud of that. Let’s hope I can hold up.

Nakedstreetkid out x šŸ˜›

Recovery Wednesdays

Paralysing Procrasination

I’m beginning to find everything difficult again.

I think that, when I started this schedule thing, I began to gain some perspective and motivation but that has reversed slightly and I feel as if I’m back at square one. Which is, of course, untrue. It just feels like it, you know?

I think it may have something to do with my sister checking up with me on a constant basis. Even though I’m sure all she wants is to help, it’s kind of making me feel worse. Because I have to detail to her what I’ve done that day and all honesty, all it does is highlight to me how little I’ve done that day. When I was healthier, I could cram about 3 or 4 big things into my day and that was with the added stress of school. Now that my days are endless, it feels like I’m wasting them. Probably because I am. I’m not productive in any sense.

The thing is, an hour can feel like a minute when you’re depressed. And that is a HUGE problem for me. I can sleep for maybe 3, 4 or 5 hours at a time and feel as if I’ve blinked. And when I awake, it is just that bit more difficult for me to drag myself out of my bed and GET SOMETHING DONE. Because, by that point, I am hyper aware about the fact that I’ve already wasted so much time that it seems so fruitless to do anything else. So, I spend another hour worrying about that and just wanting to go back to sleep, so I do. And when I awake, I’m facing the same problem with even less time to do something than before. So, I spend another hour trying to motivate myself out of bed and by the time I do, everyone is back from school or work and, hand on heart, I can’t deal with that amount of people (I have 3 siblings that live with me), so return to the comfort of my bed.

Not sleeping.

Not even resting really.

Just lying there, thinking and worrying about what I am to say to my sister when she comes to ask me about my day.

When a task seems as big as I amplify it in my head, the pressure to do it the right way mounts up and your ability to do it lessens. And you’re stuck in a state of paralysis, procrastinating because you don’t know what you actually need to do anymore.

It’s so frustrating.

Nakedstreetkid out -_-

Poetry

A Question of Time

I feel sick
Even my name makes me sick
Each syllable a tick 
Alluding to something that should not exist
And my hands
They are juxtaposed
One warmed from the heat of the sun
The other lying away from it
Cold, dripping of blood
I wonder
How long can I sit here?
How long until my reality dissolves into dreams and my wrist is no longer bleeding?
How long until I have found my call?
And the drip, drip, dripping of blood
Has hauled me away and dumped me in a casket
Waiting for me to lose consciousness
Never waking me from my dream
How long, I ask, how long?