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Working through anxiety attacks

I’m trying to not take it personally. I’m trying my best. I’m trying to pretend that what was said wasn’t really said at all. And it is the hardest thing ever.

My brain is frying up, my body is becoming numb and my ears are ringing. And I think I’m going to be sick.

I’m not really sure how everything blew up, but it did. Slowly and gradually.

How did it get blamed on me? Why did everything get blamed on me? My sister told me to just take it. So, I took it. And now, it’s obviously my fault. I don’t know how, in those single moments of bundled fury, I was the one who came out looking worse than anyone else.

I should probably explain that I didn’t have the anxiety attack. My sister did. And everything blew up so suddenly.

Now, my sister is better. But my mum’s ego is slowly being repaired by tearing down my own. I guess, I’m making it easier for her. Considering I’m sitting there and I have no words to really defend myself with. Because what I did was disrespectful.

I’m so sorry. I do realise that this is all mismatched but I’ll explain tomorrow. Actually, I’m not sure if I even will. It’s a very long story. Let’s just say this was the first time my mum had to deal with one of my sisters anxiety attacks while being the one to cause it.

I feel so crappy right now.

I’ll talk later.

Nakedstreetkid out x

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Napping through depression

So, I’ve been tired lately. And that’s mostly because I’ve been going to sleep at horrendous times. For example, on Monday, I went to sleep at 4 am and had to get up at 7 am. And I don’t know why. Because, I’ve had the opportunity to go to sleep at 10 o’clock, but I don’t. And that’s mostly because… I have a nap as soon as I get home. And I guess it’s not healthy.

But I’ve been having fun this week. I’ve been getting involved and all that jazz. I think that it’s really good because then I have distractions and distractions are very important compared to staying at home and napping on the coach. Because that’s what I would have been doing if I stayed at home. That’s when my depression starts up again. And I know I talk about it as if it were a rash but it literally feels like it. The suddenness of it, the speedy way it is able to infect all areas of my life is astounding. Just like a rash.

I think the only reason I force myself to get up every morning is because it’s worth it. I find it difficult but it is worth it. And pro-activity can sometimes be the best medicine towards preventing the lack of motivation that strolls along with depression.

But, yeah. Sleeping. It’s not my strong suit.