moments

Moments: The Library

I’m in the library and I’m writing.

The pitter patter of the rain drumming throughout is distracting and I have to place my headphones in my ears in order to ignore it. Not that I’m playing any music as that would be equally distracting. You see, I had the tendency to analyse a song’s lyrics and or instrumental abilities quite thoroughly. No, I’m using my headphones as something to dampen the sound. And it does a good job until the rain intensifies and becomes an all disastrous force of nature against the windows of the library.

It’s a good thing I’m inside and the rain is out.

I evacuate my headphones from my ears as there is no longer a need for them. As I do so people begin to crawl into the library, bringing their chatter and whispers with them.

I guess I won’t be able to get as much work as I need to done today. No matter, that is why I have a book in my bag, just in case of small emergencies similar to this one.

I stare dimly at my copy of Juno and Juliet and smile. The cover, torn and ripped, stares unashamedly back at me. The light blue of the cover has been washed away of even more of it’s colour until it is has become a stale, powdery white. I wish I could say that it is in this state because it has been following me around for years like a much loved blanket, but that would be a lie. Despite loving it with a deep passion, the rips on the cover were not made by me, but made by a younger version of what I am now. A disastrous tyrant who somehow believed that in order to show your love for something it must show signs of wear. So, in a quick passion to do, this said tyrant fabricated a few of her own to show just how much she loved the novel.

Stupid. That was stupid.

Because now I’m left with a book that I’m not quite sure how to look after. I don’t want to tape it back together because I’m worried that it would destroy the already thinning cover. And I don’t want to protect it with a rain cover because there is still a part of me that believes that the scruffiness – for lack of a better word – shows just how much I love the book.

Stupid. Just stupid.

But, what can I say?

I guess I’m just a hopeless romantic.

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Tangle me silly

So, my tangle toy has finally come in the post which I’m happy about.

Some of you may not know, but I have this condition called trichotillomania which is a long and complicated name for compulsive hair pulling. Recently it’s gotten quite bad, where I can just pull out hairs around my body for hours without really realising, so I ordered a tangle toy from amazon because I heard it helps. It’s something to distract your hands with.

And it has helped somewhat. Where I would have usually pulled out a lot of my eyelashes by now, I haven’t. So, I’m happy. But only time can tell how much it really helps, you know?

Anyways, hope everyone has a fantastic rest of the day.

Nakedstreetkid out 😛

NaBloPoMo

Deleted files and silly stories

Okay, so, I wrote a post and then, as I was nodding off, I accidentally deleted it. Yeah, that actually happens.

Anyway, I’m writing it again now. To be honest, I have been writing about 5 different posts for today because there is so much to talk about and I just don’t want to recount the day with no thought. That would be silly. I want to share what I think about what has happened today, but I haven’t an idea of how I could do that. Especially as I’m slowly falling asleep and have to keep prying my eyes open with the small strength of my eyelids.

Falling asleep again… Ergh.

But, put simply (quickly), today has made me realise that maybe I do isolate myself and that in turn has made me lonely. And I’m trying not to do that anymore. My plan is to volunteer and get my driving licence and then do Paramedic Science.

God, I’m tired.

I’ll have to go then. I’m tired, you’re bored.

Talk later,

Nakedstreetkid out! xx

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Growing in a fish tank

I like bringing people into my life, and then not at all. I worry that with enough information, they’ll start to speculate, they might even start to connect the dots. So that they can accomplish the damage needed to foil my carefully formulated plan which had aimed to prevent the inevitable rejection waiting for me from my peers. It seems plausible, this fear, and then, not at all.

You see, this is the problem. I constantly feel like I’m living in a fish tank. Like, I know this stone, I know this leaf, I know this water filter and then bam! Big ol’ shocker, I don’t really know this pebble, do I? I don’t really know this tree, do I? I’ve already seen it all, but then I haven’t and I’m stunned into silence. Because even though everything seems the same, it’s not. And everything that isn’t, should be because they’re all made out of each other, and gosh darn it. Life is stupid, ain’t it? Because I could be going through the same old things, driving through the same old waves and yet, I’d still be able to find something confusingly new and I hate it/love it in a perplexed sort of way.

This probably makes no sense, and I don’t expect it to do. But my thoughts feel like they’re rushing around in my head and they won’t stop until I write, so, yeah.

Everything keeps changing – I keep changing – but it all feels the same. And I wonder when I won’t be the same me as I am now. Does the present me have an expiration date? Do these changes have an expiration date? If so, when will it end? Blooming heck, it seems like a never ending story of being an adolescent with a pituitary gland that continues to consistently spew out growth hormones onto my body, onto my mind, for petes sake. And the funny part about it, is that I still haven’t caught up.

Nakedstreetkid out -_-

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Childish rants and Adult hiccups

So, I thought perhaps I should explain my mood earlier on in the day.

For the last week, my brother and I have been having conversation after conversation. He’s essentially been mentoring me through the beginnings of adulthood. This didn’t really start from me saying any particular thing to him but rather what I didn’t say.

So, it all basically started from a “fight”.

Sigh.

Something you must understand about me is that when I get into a “fight” with any one of my siblings (I have 4 in total), I usually just clamp up shut. This has been the same phenomenon that has occurred from since I was child, hardly able to speak because of fear of over stepping boundaries. So, I never tested any boundaries and therefore I never grew a voice. That is not the only thing though. I also wanted to be respectful. What respectful meant to me was not talking back when I was a kid, and just accepting what I was told without question. I guess this mind of thought continued through my childhood and has held true through adolescence. The only difference is now I do screw faces and look away. Meh, progress I guess but still not.

On the morning of the first conversation, my brother and I could’ve gladly entered an “argument” of sorts. With him shouting words at me and I holding onto a screw face for the whole time. But, that day, he decided to treat me as an adult. Decided to talk to me instead of scream at me. He said “G,” looked at me “you’re an adult. You need to start acting like one.” I guess when you begin to be treated like an adult, you feel compelled to act like one.

But it’s not something that happens overnight. So, I am sorry for that childish rant. It shouldn’t have really happened. I guess, I woke up frustrated with my circumstances. I wish I hadn’t but I did. Decided to post my childishness away onto a blank canvas, I suppose. But, at the end of the day, self-pity serves no one. So, I need to learn how to grow up. And there’s probably no sure and fast way to do so, so I’m going to have to buzz through trials and errors in order to make a dent in this growing up scheme.

So, again, I apologise.

Nakedstreetkid out x 🙂

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Ring out

Sometimes, I think to myself, “why on earth is this person phoning me?” So, I look away from the screen and turn off the ringer and just let it ring out. Because I don’t want you to think I’m ignoring you. Just that I don’t want a conversation with you. Which is similar to ignoring but not quite. Because I don’t mind looking at you if you were to be right in front of me. Which sounds weird but is not. But if you were in front of me, your words wouldn’t reach my ears because I’d be running at the speed of sound. Away from you. Because I wouldn’t mind you to continue to talk, just not in front of me, thank you.

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Connected to an online world

There are days when I seriously don’t want to be connected to the internet 24/7. Where all I want to do is be as disconnected from it as possible. Because I hate that people can get in touch with me all the time. And that I’m never truly by myself. And that there’s always someone that wants me to do something even if I haven’t seen them in ages. I hate it. Absolutely hate it.

And have you noticed how you can never truly disconnect? How at every corner there’s an opportunity to connect to some free wifi? You are never free from those emails, whatsapp messages? Not even for a second now a days. Don’t get me wrong, of course it’s good every now and again, but ALL the time is a little bit too much.

Oh! And don’t you hate the amount of apps there are? There are too many! Which sounds really – in a way – spoilt. But there are too many! I wish it was simple again. Like it used to be. I miss those brick phones that I simply used as an actual phone. And which I occasionally used to play snakes on. Oh, those were the days! When the only apps you had were your phone book and games. What good times.

But who am I kidding? It’s a choice that I can make. If I really want to disconnect, all I have to do is turn my phone off for a day and not go on the computer. Maybe even rock up to the library on a more frequent basis for something OTHER than revision. But for the massive amount of books that they have locked up in there. Discover new things, learn how to knit maybe, at the LIBRARY no less!

Oh, that would be fun. That would be really fun. 🙂