journal

Exploring the Stupidity of Emotional Dysregulation 

I’ve recently experienced so many fucking emotional flashbacks that it has been unreal. 

I’ve had to delete my whatsapp and disconnect my phone because the very idea of having to communicate with another human being while in this state of mind has been strenuous. Strenuous due to the high levels of just pure anxiety it provokes. 

I should start with the fact that during the weekend I went back down south to see old flatmates and make new ones. But I was just… I completely checked out. I couldn’t process through anything, I was feeling so stupid, so embarrassingly stupid because I didn’t know what I was doing. 

The thing is, what I usually fall back on are pre-existing experiences, copying what I did there so that they still come across authentic and then applying them in a chosen situation. However I couldn’t. I had never experienced house hunting or anything of that nature. 

I found that I was frustrated with myself, my internal critic gabbering on and poking fun at me. All the while physically, my face was completely blank and any affect in my voice was barren. I realised in that moment I was dissociating. I was internally reverting back into that little traumatised girl, having the same emotional capacity, believing that I was beyond a disappointment, failing everyone around me. 

I was walking around with the belief that I was, am, inferior and that I was a defective human being that deserved to die. 
Now, this didn’t start – or rather restart – this weekend, it started about a week ago  (shout out to that boy Bobby Shmurda). This idea had been cultivating inside my own mind for so long and I had decided to – whether passively or actively – ignore what I was feeling. In doing that it had found a way to thrive into this toxic energy that not only effected my own esteem but also the way I interacted with others. 

I am so sure that I’m fucking up every single relationship – friendship or otherwise – that it seems impossible to see a way out. Now, that may just be the depression talking but it is scary and I am scared. I am frightened being in this head space, during which I’ve suppressed so many emotions that now they are coming to the forefront of my mind and just burning there. And it feels so entirely uncontrollable. 

This is what emotional flashbacks feel like. And this is what emotional dysregulation looks like for me.

Because last week was where I was completely checked out, completely numb and dissociating all the time for the slightest reason. Now, I’m feeling excessively depressed, like I want to harm myself in any sense of the word. But in the next two weeks, I’ll be as right as rain, brighter than the sun, smiling all the time, having forgotten what this pain feels like. No longer as distressed, and I’ll be happy. 

until the next time where the process 

                                                                      Starts

                                                                                  Again. 
Nakedstreetkid out x

Uncategorized

Suicide: A short but needed reflction

I messed up.

I messed up big time.

Two months ago, I got the exceedingly strong impulse to kill myself. This was all after spending a horrendously long time consumed by depression, anger and self-hatred. After overhearing an attack on my personality I was no longer being able to keep all of these feelngs contained in a tight bubble and it all burst open.

The thought, like a cancer, by that point had metastasised in my mind to just kill myself. My reasoning? It was the only way to be kind to those around me and to my future self.

But, I obviously didn’t and here’s why:

I realised that the way I was feeling was temporary. Powerful, all-consuming, suffocating but ultimately, temporary.

And even though my brother calls me weak and selfish for wanting to kill myself, I know that his stance on suicide is ruled by his own unresolved past suicidal ideation. 

The reason I have messed up?

Because I think that explaining myself to him will solve something. It won’t. He has his own issues and I have mine. The truth is we both have entirely different experiences despite co-existing in the same orbit for so long.

At this point I need to take a step back, be selfish in the right way and work on myself. I need to be a little more self-compassionate, learn to manage my fluctuating emotions and stop isolating myself so much.

I just need to grow.

And I’ll be damned if that’s not what I do for the rest of the year.

I’ll be damned.

Nakedstreetkid out x