Learned Response

It’s funny because I’m getting super reflective because the year is almost up. I’m realising that I’m not happy with who I am and what I’m doing right now. Like, I am actually physically upset with who I am. And I’m recognising that and that makes me happy.

In the past, I have just ignored all of that. I have ignored that I’m upset with who I am and what I am. And if I would pay even a bit of attention to the fact, it would be to put myself down. But, at least I’m finally recognising it and instead of berating myself for the fact, I am actually being kind to myself.

That’s what my therapist always says just before we finish a session, she says “be kind to yourself”. I’m still unsure how to feel about that. There is a part of me that is quite automatically against the idea of being kind to myself. Wouldn’t I be kind to myself if I deserved it? But because I’m not instinctively kind to myself, I don’t deserve kindness, do I?

But then, I know now that is flawed within itself. Me being self-critical is a learned response to traumatic situations which I have carried forward to day-to-day life.

I don’t know, guys, I feel like I’m beginning to realise all of this and that is making me happy.

Nakedstreetkid out x


My Future

It is six in the morning. I have only had two, maybe three hours sleep. No matter, I wanted to say this somewhere, to someone.

I don’t think I’m going to university next year. Even though I desperately want to, I need to take my time with this because I am just not ready. I am so emotionally unstable, my depression and my anxiety is just overtaking my life right now. Especially if I want to go into the healthcare profession, I need to prioritise my own wellbeing. And right now, I am not ready.

I go through significant and life threatening bouts of suicidal ideation, my depression has isolated me so completely from myself and the world, my forearm is scarred to the high heavens and my body is suffering from my compulsions to pull out my hair. My life is not looking good right now.

But I don’t think I should be ashamed about that. The mere fact that I have finally allowed myself to recognise it shows that I’m finally trying to face it. I’m finally trying to face it. I really am. And that makes me kind of happy.

So, for now, I shall focus on retaking my A-level exams and worry about everything else later. I mean, I’ll give a brief thought to the future, but really, I know that will stifle my motivation.

Maybe I can finally go to sleep, so I’ll talk to you guys later.

Nakedstreetkid out xx