I feel… Broken.
Recently, I went to my GP to finally get my depression sorted because I’m coming up to a really difficult time in my life and I need to be kind of stable enough to handle it. That being, the results day for my A-levels and the fact that I may or may not be going to university this year. And somehow, that has really kicked me down low. I don’t want to be in this position but I am because when I had the chance to really live up to my potential I couldn’t. Or rather, I could, as my potential had been reduced and shrivelled up because of my depression. Everything seemed impossible at the time, studying and revising… So, I started losing interest in things that would help me relax. Not only that, but my motivation levels would have rapid falls and then peak again, but even lower than it did last time.
I couldn’t speak to anyone about it, everything seemed fatal, like, no matter what happened, I would fail and that would not be okay, so I couldn’t even see the people at school because they just put the living fear into me. They would ask me questions like, oh, how is revision going, have you gotten onto that chapter yet, that topic yet? Have you even started revising that far ahead? What are you doing, why haven’t you done that yet? It was like I was getting bombarded by a whirlwind of questions and it just wouldn’t stop.
In essence, I was depressed, exhausted and constantly anxiety ridden. Every thought in my head was just amplified by the words of the people around me. And my own self-hatred was ringing in my ears, making me incapable of following through with school because I was slowly shutting down from all the pressure. My mum was gone, I was alone looking after my sister, my dad was trying to contact me again, my brother was constantly putting me down and it seemed like he was right because I wasn’t functioning at my optimum self.
And now? I’m still in that slump. Even though I’m on holiday and school has finished, my mum has come home, I’m standing up to my brother a little bit more, it doesn’t feel like it’s going away and it scares me. Because I worked so hard to get rid of it last time, but now it has come back. It has been here for the last six months and I don’t know how to get rid of it. I can’t see people right now because it is too overwhelming. I’ve gained so much weight that I’m ashamed to go out of the house, I hate the way I look and I haven’t got a job yet or anything and I need one because… I just need something to do so I don’t go insane. But that hasn’t happened yet, even though all my friends have jobs so it feels like I’m just being lazy constantly. I don’t feel like I’ve done everything an 18 year old should have at this point. And my best friend keeps harassing me with phone calls and I’ve realised how controlling she is, so I can’t even answer them out of fear of being controlled again.
It’s like the pressure never stops, it can only continue. And like holding onto a small object, arms outstretched for a number of hours, my arms feel about ready to fall off.
I’m tired and I want to just get better but I feel like I’m broken. Because talking to my GP, I now know that I have a lot to work through, and it’s not something I can stick a band aid onto and it will all be healed. It’s something where I have to commit to a 24 hour surgery and hope that the open wound doesn’t become infected and destroy me.
Anywho, long post. I hope this explains the reason why I haven’t been posting as frequently as I used to. And why I’m always MIA. Agh, and why I feel quite broken.
Nakedstreetkid out x