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Balancing things out: An update of happier times

Okay, a lot has happened and I really don’t want y’all to think that it has all been bad. Bceuase that is not truly representative of everything right now.

So, for my sanity and for ours, here are all the good bits.

I’m doing much better in learning all of my content before my exams because I now go to “night school”. Which, to those outside of my life, do not understand how great that is for me because, as hinted above, I rarely learn or understad all of the content in my subjects before my exams. Which is a terrifying reality for me before every flipping exam which is probably why I get so anxious about each and every exam. But guess what guys! This shall no longer be the case because I am actually learning!

So, hey guys, someone is going to pass an exam soon which I’m excited about and, something I kind of need because…

I got accepted by my first choice university! Which is awesome! How I did it when I was so depressed and suicidal, I will never know, but I am glad I powered through all of those rigorous interviews because now, it is so worth it.

On the note of depression (and the other one i.e. suicide), I actually have a psychological evaluation in a weeks time which is going to be great. Why is it going to be great? Because I can finally start to actually tend to and thus treay and heal all of these open wounds which they call trauma. Yay! And maybe I can get some help with this emotional dysregulation, which would be amazing.

Okay, that is the juice of it all. There is obviously a lot more fibre to all of it, but we don’t have all day. So, perhaps later? Or, in three months, whichever is first! ;P

Listening to: Wait for me by Motopony

Nakedstreetkid out xx

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A Traumatic Childhood Relived

The worst experience of my life was, and always will be, my childhood. Although, when people around me claim it was one of the best times of their life, I just nod along like a spineless chicken. You see, if I go against the flock on this one, people would always ask me why and I wouldn’t really know what to say.

How do I even begin to explain the level of emotional and physical abuse at the hand of my father from birth? How do I explain my older sister’s physical abuse against me? How do I explain I was isolated throughout this time by peers in school? How do I explain my very turbulent year of repeated sexual assault from a childhood friend?

The sad truth is: I can’t.

So, I nod along because there is nothing in me that wants to lay claim to these traumatic events. There is nothing in me that wants to relive them over and over and over again in my memory. I just can’t because I don’t want to.

So I paint over these painful memories with the colourful, happy and generic ones that all my other peers share. Because at the end of the day, all I’ve ever wanted was to fit in and left alone.

That is all I want.

Nakedstreetkid out xx

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Contemplating the misery of university

I was thinking of going travelling next year. Well, the latter half of next year, when the new academic year starts.

I don’t think I can quite handle university yet, so I thought I would skip it for another year.

I have a lot to learn about the world that I just haven’t learnt. I’m not nearly as stable as I would like to be mentally. Actually, I am quite all over the place and there are days where I can barely function like a human being because I am so exhausted with life. Or, there are days when all I can do is look ahead at the gaping hole that is my future and how I shrink in comparison does is not an appealing feeling.

I say this all as someone who is contemplating not going to university. So, I am unsure.

You see, we are told from very young ages that is our destiny.

We go through Primary School being asked, what do you want to do in the future. And soon enough, our answer transform from the laid back response of astronauts and firemen to an elated eleven year old screaming university.

And then you have secondary school, same question is asked, but that elation diminishes into a small fear. Because no one knows what they want to do, and by the time you finish your Secondary School career, your heart is experiencing small palpitations because you think you’ve chosen what you want to do, but you’re still unsure.

And finally, you’ve made it to sixth form/college and you’re in your final year and the same question is asked “What do you want to do?” But this time, louder, as if someone is screaming right through your eardrums and to the pre-frontal cortex of your brain. And it’s like your whole world is defined on it, like once you get there, there is either a ladder hanging 2 feet from the cliffs edge attached to the steps of university. Or a gorge below you, where you must step off the cliff in order to reach the rich treasures that self-determination gets you when you decide to build your own ladder to reach the top.

It’s funny, because no one tells you about that horrendous fall you must endure. They are too busy preparing you for the bright lights of university. Which I still want to go to. Just not yet.

Not yet.

The question is, is six months enough for me to feel fulfilled? I don’t know.

Nakedstreetkid out x

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Bearable Boredom

I have memories in that school. Things I remember doing. People I remember spending time with. And even though I hated it there and really couldn’t wait to leave, the people… It was the people that made it bearable. Made going through the days easier.

I miss them. They were all so amazing.

Nakedstreetkid out x

NaBloPoMo

Thought Cycling Wonders

Yesterday was a day filled to the brim with thought cycling wonders.

I haven’t been able to sleep properly because I’ve been thinking for hours on end, and because of that, have been pulling out hair like no tomorrow. Not going to blame my tangle (which I now call my Tangle Monster), only because I didn’t have it on me.

But the whole thing started with thinking. Thinking about school, thinking about books, thinking about how much I’ve studied, thinking about work, thinking about whether I’ve paid my exam fees, thinking if I’ve signed up for my exams… The list goes on and on. And this type of thinking lasted for hours. The night before Friday, I was plagued with the same thoughts. However, it had kept me up well into the night.

Which, to be honest, allowed me to go a bit bonkers. I went off on one, hallucinating because I hadn’t slept and drinking some rum with ginger beer to calm my nerves. I ended up falling asleep at 4 in the morning, which in retrospect, wasn’t that late, but for a girl like myself who despite not going to school likes going to sleep at 10:30pm every night and waking up around 7:30am, it was a lot. And it wasn’t a night out and I wasn’t having fun.

I was just thinking and damn near tired of doing so.

I’m glad that I’m wide awake now and have had some sort of sleep, even if it’s only a couple of hours.

Nakedstreetkid out xx

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Gap Year Mayhem

Hi guys! Long time, no see!

First off, I would like to apologise for not posting recently. My life has been slightly topsy-turvy and I’m trying to sort it out the best I can but it has been hard, you know? Nothing terrible has happened (in comparison to all the bad stuff in the world), but I still feel as if I should explain everything.

Ever since getting my A-level results at the beginning of August (UK’s version of American SAT’s) I’ve been feeling incredibly low. As some of you know (and can probably tell from my poems and what not), I suffer from depression. But recently, that depression has spiralled into bouts of major depressive episode and anxiety. This was mainly due to the fact that I failed to get the grades I needed in order to go to university this year. 

Now, I’ve spoken to my GP, even before August – around May or June – and was put onto a waiting list because honestly, I wanted this sorted ages ago. But, it was partly because of my depression that I didn’t get the grades I wanted. All I’m saying is the emptiness and lack of motivation did not help me a single bit. Nor did the anxiety during my exams, which only got much worse after knowing I didn’t get into university. And there were loads of other, silly things which just built up into this one massive, impossible challenge to overcome. All of which has led me to feel extremely suicidal.

So, it has been really difficult for me. 

But I don’t want it to be. And knowing that I have the power – no matter how little that is – to change my circumstances is what is motivating me to reach out, ask for and accept help. From my friends, family and even my GP who has offered me a session on Monday.

That bout of suicidal ideation that I mentioned above has started to slip away from me, which I’m grateful for. I can now start thinking slightly more clearly and sort out my life. 

Right now, what I’m going to attempt to do is to stick to a schedule because the reason why I felt so suicidal was because I felt so lost. So, I think adding in a schedule will really help. 

My schedule will be in the next post. 

Thank you guys. 

And sorry. 

Nakedstreetkid out x

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I feel… Broken.

Recently, I went to my GP to finally get my depression sorted because I’m coming up to a really difficult time in my life and I need to be kind of stable enough to handle it. That being, the results day for my A-levels and the fact that I may or may not be going to university this year. And somehow, that has really kicked me down low. I don’t want to be in this position but I am because when I had the chance to really live up to my potential I couldn’t. Or rather, I could, as my potential had been reduced and shrivelled up because of my depression. Everything seemed impossible at the time, studying and revising… So, I started losing interest in things that would help me relax. Not only that, but my motivation levels would have rapid falls and then peak again, but even lower than it did last time.

I couldn’t speak to anyone about it, everything seemed fatal, like, no matter what happened, I would fail and that would not be okay, so I couldn’t even see the people at school because they just put the living fear into me. They would ask me questions like, oh, how is revision going, have you gotten onto that chapter yet, that topic yet? Have you even started revising that far ahead? What are you doing, why haven’t you done that yet? It was like I was getting bombarded by a whirlwind of questions and it just wouldn’t stop.

In essence, I was depressed, exhausted and constantly anxiety ridden. Every thought in my head was just amplified by the words of the people around me. And my own self-hatred was ringing in my ears, making me incapable of following through with school because I was slowly shutting down from all the pressure. My mum was gone, I was alone looking after my sister, my dad was trying to contact me again, my brother was constantly putting me down and it seemed like he was right because I wasn’t functioning at my optimum self.

And now? I’m still in that slump. Even though I’m on holiday and school has finished, my mum has come home, I’m standing up to my brother a little bit more, it doesn’t feel like it’s going away and it scares me. Because I worked so hard to get rid of it last time, but now it has come back. It has been here for the last six months and I don’t know how to get rid of it. I can’t see people right now because it is too overwhelming. I’ve gained so much weight that I’m ashamed to go out of the house, I hate the way I look and I haven’t got a job yet or anything and I need one because… I just need something to do so I don’t go insane. But that hasn’t happened yet, even though all my friends have jobs so it feels like I’m just being lazy constantly. I don’t feel like I’ve done everything an 18 year old should have at this point. And my best friend keeps harassing me with phone calls and I’ve realised how controlling she is, so I can’t even answer them out of fear of being controlled again.

It’s like the pressure never stops, it can only continue. And like holding onto a small object, arms outstretched for a number of hours, my arms feel about ready to fall off.

I’m tired and I want to just get better but I feel like I’m broken. Because talking to my GP, I now know that I have a lot to work through, and it’s not something I can stick a band aid onto and it will all be healed. It’s something where I have to commit to a 24 hour surgery and hope that the open wound doesn’t become infected and destroy me.

Anywho, long post. I hope this explains the reason why I haven’t been posting as frequently as I used to. And why I’m always MIA. Agh, and why I feel quite broken.

Nakedstreetkid out x