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Misdirected Blame and the Sadness of Impermenance

I’m currently in the process of… Well, processing.

Processing what, you ask? Well, a lot of things I suppose. Mainly that of my rampant abandonment issues.

Someone who has proved reliable and important to me and my recovery has recently left to another country. Which I am happy for her as I believe it is what she wants to do, however, my abandonment issues and I are quite resentful of the fact that she has left. It troubles me day and night that she has gone and has left me wondering if it is any fault of my own that she has left. Which, I really have got to stop doing because you and I both know that projecting blame upon oneself does nothing but destroy your internal equilibrium. So, I often have to remind myself that my blame is misdirected. Not simply misdirected, no, that is incorrect, it is more appropriate to say that any element of blame should not exist in the first place.

There is no one to blame.

And I think that’s what I’m having the most trouble with. I’ve gone through numerous cycles in the last two days (I can’t believe it has only been two days, it feels like decades have passed by) where I’ve blamed her and then I’ve blamed myself. My reasoning for blaming her is that she doesn’t have to leave. And my reasoning for blaming myself is that I should never have gotten so close in the first place.

I’ve pointed this out to a friend, that what is the point of opening up to someone when they’re just going to leave eventually anyway. To which they replied:

“Everything in life in impermenant. To not enjoy and engage in the little time we have alive would be a terrible disservice to our own quality of life. People leave, but that doesn’t mean we should live in isolation, in fear of such prospect. We should grow to expect it and in doing so, we will better appreciate the time we have.”

That friend was my little sister.

I’m glad she said that to me, because it’s making me understand more. It still hurts but as I said, I’m processing.

Nakedstreetkid out x

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When the past is past

“If you bump into someone you haven’t seen in seven years, every cell has been replaced and they’re someone new entirely. You don’t have to say hi.” – @shutupmikeginn

I just realised that it has been a little over seven years since I’ve seen my classmates from Primary School. And that’s an incredibly uncomfortable thought. I mean, it was a completely predictable future, considering I wasn’t “friends” with any of them, it’s just that they all live so close to me. Or, at the very least go to school in my general area, so, why haven’t I seen any of them?

How can one live so incredibly close to their past but never truly touch it?

Nakedstreetkid out x

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Trial and Error

I’m really enjoying the idea that my life is in my hands now. Before, I hated it. Who wants to be told that their whole life is reliant on the decisions that they make for themselves. Good, bad, ugly. All of that – it sounds blooming terrifying.

But, I guess if I want to start to make my stamp on society, I’ll have to realise that the consequences can be devastating. That they can cripple my chances to ever progress again. But I also need to know they can be fantastic. Absolutely brilliant. I just have to have the courage to try the things I want to try and not be too scared. I mean, there are consequences to absolutely everything. But, the very worst consequence of not doing is something is regretting not doing something, right?

I’ve been basically thinking to myself that, I’m not university material. But, damn flabbit, I don’t know that yet. I can’t assume that simply because I’m not one hundred percent ready for it. I’m ready enough. I know what I have to do. I just got to get on doing it.

I’m listening to A change is gonna come by Otis Redding.

How ironic.

Nakedstreetkid out 😉

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Property is theft: Notes to a friend

I can’t believe we found words so sizeably perfect that they can fit on a small slip of paper and carried in our own pockets home. How lucky we are! It is a mere miracle to find phrases so intrinsically thoughtful that for a that moment, we did not understand it’s true meaning at a glance. “Property is theft!” I swear, for the seconds we stared down those words, confused and slightly startled, I could not understand how few words could mean so much. it was a funny discovery.

I have never thought that owning something, could be so wrong. That the notion of not sharing and having something as your own is so overlooked by society that we, ourselves could not fathom the responsibility of property. The responsibility to share. Yet, we rob someone of an experience or an item. And it isn’t something really thought about when purchasing the ownership of a thing. Isn’t that scary?

I think that in a bookstore filled to the brim with books about society, psychology and masses of George Orwell novels, those are very profound words to grace the front of a page. “Property is theft!”

We are lucky to have stumbled upon that cute little book shop with the second-hand rack standing outside.