journal, random, Tideous Tuesdays

An update: Impossible illusions imagined

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I feel lost, unloved, unguided and lonely. Quite a self-deterministic mouthful, so, let’s get onto it.

First off, I’m pretty much done with being alive. I look all around me and all I am blinded by in my waking moments is a consumerist lifestyle that continues to propel me into my student loans. And when that is washed down the drain by my heavy, unbridled spending, I can stitch my eyes closed even further to the increasing debt as I dip my sticky fingers £2,000 deep into my overdraft.

All great. All deconstructed.

Let’s move on.

Since engaging in this broadcast state, where every self-obsessed waking thought is living and breathing on instagram, Facebook and so on; where you can see from the comfort of the own phone, which are all in their own self-righteous way apparently smart, what Jessica had for breakfast 2 seconds ago, I find it particularly difficult to allow anyone past a superficial level into my life.

Even so, I will always be envious of those who have the opportunity to be vulnerable with each other. To let people into their lives, knowing full well they will experience so much pain. An easy trade I believe if you understand the full scope of the liberation pain can bring. Healing rarely occurs without some form of pain beforehand and so in that sense, it is completely worth it. Scary in its own right. Not so common regardless but still, because of it, I feel indefinitely unloved as this is not something I have obvious capacity to achieve any time soon.

In the meantime, I’ve joined websites that will support my eccentric lifestyle of consuming drugs, both prescription and otherwise. A website where I will have my internal needs of being able to dump my emotional baggage onto another, a steady flow of validation despite the absolute ridiculous turmoil bouncing against my heart, all met.

An impossible illusion? Perhaps. I’m laughing.

Anyway, where was I?

Put simply, if I can get paid for giving away something that is becoming increasingly meaningless to me – that is sex – then why the hell not? I would prefer it. So, emotional needs met? Check. Physical needs met? Check, check.

Hm, so that’s dealing with or rather, addressing my feelings of being unloved, possibly feeling of how “unguided” I feel, maybe a tad bit of feeling “lost”.

And now, the loneliness:

Well, let’s be honest, I was born to be lonely in a room full of people. (Self-pitying, I know but please, bear with?) Four other siblings, countless cousins, a hundred or two of possible peers to make friends with and not one of them ever wanted to play when I was younger? Long story short, I was never comfortable with being alone but I certainly adopted mannerisms which I thought would hopefully fool those around me otherwise. I mean, the reading, the silence, the headphones always in – all ways to push and pull away from those around me.

It’s hilarious because I haven’t even gotten into how that has translated into my adult life now. Let me digress for a second. When I feel a friendship is being threatened by outside forces, I will keep that friend at arms length while mentally straining not to pull them closer and never let go. The fear is real. The anxiety deafening. I’m a bit of a maverick in that way. A bit destructive. Ready to overdose on my own medicine.

Should I even continue?

My point is: Life is going swell. My self-destructive behaviour is reeking havoc in my mind’s eye, colouring everything distasteful and breeding a weird brand of distrust between me and my surrounding environment.

Oh, and I’ve taken up smoking. It’s lessening the anxiety to be honest. Or making it worse.

I forget.

Really,

I do.

Nakedstreetkid out x

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Artificial Teleportation

I discarded my phone quite a way from me as to not connect to the world in my traditional, artificial manner – through the internet. Even so, it somehow was able to make it back to me without much delay from the livingroom to the right-hand side of my bed. Go figure the one time I don’t want my phone is the one time my sisters teleport it to me.

It’s funny, because they’re not inclined to do it any other time but they’ve broken the pattern when I needed them to stay true to it. Ah, well, you win some, you lose some, eh?

Nakedstreetkid out x

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Connected to an online world

There are days when I seriously don’t want to be connected to the internet 24/7. Where all I want to do is be as disconnected from it as possible. Because I hate that people can get in touch with me all the time. And that I’m never truly by myself. And that there’s always someone that wants me to do something even if I haven’t seen them in ages. I hate it. Absolutely hate it.

And have you noticed how you can never truly disconnect? How at every corner there’s an opportunity to connect to some free wifi? You are never free from those emails, whatsapp messages? Not even for a second now a days. Don’t get me wrong, of course it’s good every now and again, but ALL the time is a little bit too much.

Oh! And don’t you hate the amount of apps there are? There are too many! Which sounds really – in a way – spoilt. But there are too many! I wish it was simple again. Like it used to be. I miss those brick phones that I simply used as an actual phone. And which I occasionally used to play snakes on. Oh, those were the days! When the only apps you had were your phone book and games. What good times.

But who am I kidding? It’s a choice that I can make. If I really want to disconnect, all I have to do is turn my phone off for a day and not go on the computer. Maybe even rock up to the library on a more frequent basis for something OTHER than revision. But for the massive amount of books that they have locked up in there. Discover new things, learn how to knit maybe, at the LIBRARY no less!

Oh, that would be fun. That would be really fun. 🙂