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Learned Response

It’s funny because I’m getting super reflective because the year is almost up. I’m realising that I’m not happy with who I am and what I’m doing right now. Like, I am actually physically upset with who I am. And I’m recognising that and that makes me happy.

In the past, I have just ignored all of that. I have ignored that I’m upset with who I am and what I am. And if I would pay even a bit of attention to the fact, it would be to put myself down. But, at least I’m finally recognising it and instead of berating myself for the fact, I am actually being kind to myself.

That’s what my therapist always says just before we finish a session, she says “be kind to yourself”. I’m still unsure how to feel about that. There is a part of me that is quite automatically against the idea of being kind to myself. Wouldn’t I be kind to myself if I deserved it? But because I’m not instinctively kind to myself, I don’t deserve kindness, do I?

But then, I know now that is flawed within itself. Me being self-critical is a learned response to traumatic situations which I have carried forward to day-to-day life.

I don’t know, guys, I feel like I’m beginning to realise all of this and that is making me happy.

Nakedstreetkid out x

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Ring out

Sometimes, I think to myself, “why on earth is this person phoning me?” So, I look away from the screen and turn off the ringer and just let it ring out. Because I don’t want you to think I’m ignoring you. Just that I don’t want a conversation with you. Which is similar to ignoring but not quite. Because I don’t mind looking at you if you were to be right in front of me. Which sounds weird but is not. But if you were in front of me, your words wouldn’t reach my ears because I’d be running at the speed of sound. Away from you. Because I wouldn’t mind you to continue to talk, just not in front of me, thank you.