journal, random

Self-doubt and other tribulations 

So, I’m experiencing this period of real self-doubt, where I can’t seem to believe that I am good enough for the course I have chosen for university. 

I feel that in some ways I’m not adequate enough, that I’m not good enough or prepared enough for a future in this career. And somehow through that, I feel as if this experience is completely individual to myself – that no one else in this world could possibly experience this level of doubt before they go into university. Which is of course false. 
Everyone experiences this doubt, whether founded in truth or not. 

But the thing that people forget is that everything is temporary. That what may be true today may not be true tomorrow and that there is always time to change your mindset and thus, change your outcomes in life. 

The truth is that I’m afraid right now. I’m afraid that my place in university may be revoked because of previous mental health issues that occured within the last year. And because I was so honest and so open, they now know everything and that could work against me but I hope it doesn’t. I hope they see my honesty as me taking responsibility for my actions and my future. 

Because at the end of the day, that is the most anyone can do. And self-doubt isn’t going to help me as all it can do is alter the way I behave and will work against me. 

So, in this case, I’m going to peel off the veil of self-doubt and have a little bit more confidence in myself. 

Because then,no matter what happens, at least I’ve shown my true self. 

Nakedstreetkid out xx 

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Why 2015 was a terrible year for me

Funny thing is, a lot of people I have talked to have said to me that 2015 was not their year either. That it was filled to the brim with mishaps and regrets and they just hated the year in general.

2015 was a rubbish year for me.

It’s probably why I’ve been so pessimistic for the last few months. I can’t even say realistic anymore like I used to, I’ve just been marinating in plain old pessimism. And it has got to stop, but first of all, I’ve just got to get a lot off my chest before I am able to move on from it.

First off, at the beginning of 2015’s academic year, I found out that I didn’t get into university. Which was heart breaking for me because I have always idealised getting into university as a milestone that I must reach otherwise I amounted to nothing. So, you can understand the heartbreak, right? But then, a university actually called me up and told me they could offer me place.

And this is something I haven’t really told anyone because what I did next was just… Unthinkable.

I refused the offer.

And I know, I know how silly that may seem given the obvious heart break and melancholy that had followed not being offered a place. I know that it seems unthinkable. But really, that choice was made because I actually thought about it. Was the course I picked really the right one for me? And guess what I concluded (which really should be obvious from the way this is going), I concluded no. No the course that I had thought I wanted to do, did not encompass the elements of enjoyment that I needed.

So, yes, I rejected the offer.

And that should of made me far more determined and hard working come September, but it didn’t. The damage had already been done, my depression set in motion. I was officially on the brink of destruction.

I was completely distraught from the whole situation that the thought of living became unbearable. That was, unless I found something productive with my days to do. So, I signed up to a volunteering programme in a rush without really thinking about whether it was what I wanted to do. I passed the interview, passed the training and was on my way to better things. Or, so I thought. Until I decided to leave about a week into it because it hadn’t been what I wanted to do. I didn’t like the hours, I didn’t like the challenge despite loving the people and so left.

And this… this had set me back about a month at this point. I was dwaddling half way through September and for some reason, not doing anything seemed to make me feel worse. So, I did what I did best, walked around the City of London that day. I walked until my feet were sore, rode bus after bus until every time I closed my eyes I saw red and listened to people’s conversations until they became a mild amusement to my spiralling thoughts.

That day was a strange one.

I was crying in the middle of the street without a care in the world. I was making plan after goddamn plan on what to do. I was planning if I wanted to go to university the next year, what steps I needed to take. If I didn’t want to do anything, what steps I needed to take.

I mean, this was mainly around the time I was seriously contemplating suicide. It had, at the time, seemed like the only viable option and I was quite frankly exhausted of putting on a smile for my friends. I was exhausted of pretending to everyone that everything was alright and I just wanted to exit this world in a quite permanent matter.

But I didn’t.

You see, the months before, I’d had a mental health assessment because I was not in too good a place in April. Because they hadn’t any spaces at the time, in true British fashion, I was put into a cue and told to wait. And, even though this was at the back of my mind, I never thought it would come to fruition because it had been months since I had last heard of them.

But I had gotten a phone call saying that they could now offer me therapy. So, I had another option. I could either live in depression for the next year and go to university, kill myself (this was something I had made a plan and set a date to) or try and get better and if I really wanted to, go to university.

I ended up choosing the third option (obviously). I changed the content of my blog so I could start writing how I felt more freely, I went to weekly therapy sessions, I got a job (that I deeply enjoy), I visited my friends in uni as to not feel as alone and I am now applying to university.

I should place a disclaimer right here, right now, I am not at all healed by a long shot. In fact, my allotted number of therapy sessions are coming to an end (I’m on 10 out of 12) and I actually started a club that I’m not interested in. I still have flashbacks, bouts of depression, my anxiety is a weird thing that has sky rocketed and I still go through spells of suicidal ideation. But, I am getting better.

I am getting better.

And I’ll tell you how and why in the next blog post.

Nakedstreetkid out x

NaBloPoMo

The weight life brings

It has come to that point in my life where I again, feel and look like shite.

As of right now, I am heavier than I have ever been and that worries me so much. I have had, in the past, the tendency to engage dysregular eating patterns. And this is mainly due to a lack of appetite or just a general way to punish myself. So, that has led me to not eat, lose weight, gain it back just as quickly when I do start eating again and a feeling that I have almost re-lost control again.

In general, since results day, I have not wanted to eat at all. But that’s been changing over the last two months where I have gotten into the habit of just gorging on large amounts of food, unhealthy food for that matter. And I’m gaining weight and I hate that.

I understand that at one point or another everyone goes through those periods where they just dislike their body so much. So, this may seem silly or just plain irrelevant but that is what is going through my head right now. My ginormous weight gain.

And for those who do care somewhat, please, do not worry. If I do choose to lose this weight (which I am going to do), I am going to engage in healthier ways to do so. I am a firm believer that if you’re going to keep the weight off, you have to do it in the most sustainable way possible. And that is a healthy, balanced diet and a healthy dose of exercise throughout the week.

Anyway, that’s how I feel today.

Nakedstreetkid out x

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Exiting the whirlwind of emotional constipation

Because I’ve only just started exam season and my brain has already entered a deep, dark whirlwind of endless torment, I feel it is befitting that I start to plan and see my future.

By future, I mean summer and such. I’m far too emotionally constipated to begin to think further than that (like, oh, university matters and such). So, let’s go.

What do I wish to do during Summer?

GET A JOB.  I want a job, I want experience, I need money. I guess this, in a way, is thinking about my future further than just Summer. It’s thinking about the perplexity of supporting myself during University as well. But only superficially. I also need it for the socialising. I’m not sure yet, how frequently I’ll be able to see my friends, one of them is already leaving the country during Summer. For work, in fact, in the Alps! Can you believe that? Isn’t that just so cool?

Anyway, secondly, I WANT TO GO TO PARTIES. And in order to go to parties, I need to be invited to parties. And in order to be invited to parties, I need to have friends which are going to parties. Which hopefully isn’t impossible. I really do hope after all the “no, no, no’s” I’ve been giving everyone during exam season, they’d still invite me, you know? Well, we’ll see when the time comes. Anyway, the reason why I want to go to parties is because I need to be experienced about the do’s and don’t’s of party life. I’m not a frequenter at parties, so I don’t really know the rules and such. Hopefully, the Summer will reverse that, so that when I go to them, I’ll be well versed enough that I can go to them during Uni.

Thirdly! I don’t really have a thirdly. I just feel like everything good in life comes in threes. I guess the thirdly can be all the little, necessary, unthinkable things that I must think about during the Summer. For example:

  • Buying everything I need for uni
  • Going to results day to actually make sure I go to uni
  • Obviously spend time with my best friend
  • Maybe a bit of travelling
  • Seeing the friends I care about
  • Obviously catch up on all the TV shows I have missed over the last few months
  • And not so very obviously, go to the GP to start looking after my mental health

That type of jumbled up, crazy going, casual riding mess can only be dealt with at the time. And may change, depending on numerous factors.

Anyway, let us hope that everything goes well and I exit this hopeless, dark and scary whirlwind of doom and come out the other end unscratched. Kind of like a piece of corn, coming out from your buttocks.

TMI?

TMI.

Nakedstreetkid out ;P

xx

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Struggling free

This morning, I didn’t want to go to school.

Now, this wasn’t the normal “I hate school, I’m not going” type thing. This was the “I’m walking up to school, I’m feeling increasingly anxious, I can’t do this anymore” type thing. Literally, every time I walked towards it, I just wanted to walk away. The anxiety grew and grew. And I don’t know how I got over that feeling, but in the end I got to school. 5 minutes late but it felt like an hour. Oh, well, Saturday detention doesn’t seem so bad now anyway.

But, after that, things started feeling okay.

I struggled through almost every lesson but during my frees, I talked to my friends and felt better. And I guess, that’s why I value my friends so much. Because I can go to them, talk a bit and feel better.

Something I am beginning to realise is that each emotion is temporary. Not any one emotions lasts forever – good or bad. Because I may have felt anxious in the morning, doesn’t mean I couldn’t feel happy in the afternoon. Every moment works independently from another. Give it long enough and I’ll acquire a different emotion as soon as I allow myself to.

And that’s something I forgot. Because for two, maybe three years, I struggled with depression. And that was a constant level of the most horrid melancholy one could ever experience. And I went through that, every day. I would wake up, every day just wanting to die. But I didn’t ever kill myself because I realise that I was young. And now, I realise that emotions are temporary. Things are looking up, guys.

Anyway, I need to get back to work now. I have a history presentation in class tomorrow and I have to blitz through a handout and a powerpoint.

Nakedstreetkid out! 🙂