random

The Devil ReincarnatedĀ 


Biscoff spread is the devil reincarnated into this beautiful, sinful, luxurious paste of mouth watering proportions that I can’t get enough of. 

Why? God, why? 

Okay, this is obviously a post about absolutely nothing but my addiction to something so tasteful that I personally have no self-control over. Given, a post about nothing is absolutely needed after the recent show of just pure sadness and lethargy I’ve been dispelling from my heart. I know some may be disappointed but I think it’s about bloody time I do something lighthearted. 
Anyway, back to my heartache of biscoff. 

It’s just so easy to scoff down! Lord help me if I ever get my restless hands on a full jar it because it will be the honest end of me! An entire jar full will easily smooth its way down my esophagus, hit the acid in my stomach, dissipate its madness into my bloodstream and cling on to the walls of my blood vessels for dear life.

All ending in a sudden (but fatal) heart attack. 

And you know what? 

I wouldn’t even care because I would be so happy to have eaten my jar of biscoff in one gulp. There will be just sheer bliss slapped onto my face, with a heavy set jaw and ecstasy lifting away each eyebrow from my glazed honey doe eyes filled with amazement. 

This is what biscoff does to you. Allows you to enter a world of pure beauty and cruelty at the same time. So, proceed at your caution. 

Or, just do whatever you want. 

I’m quickly finding that the world we live in is already as sinful and as beautiful. And there is no force of will that can go against it. 
Nakedstreetkid out xx 

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Emotionally Charged and Logically Wasted

I’m going to give up writing casual blogs for now. It feels way too forced and I don’t enjoy what it does to my writing.

Not that I didn’t like it, because I did. I enjoyed sharing my thoughts like I do in my journal – quite a turbulent and unedited mess. It has allowed me to share my experience with trichotillomania, disordered eating (not an eating disorder mind, but that is arguable in itself), my depression and everything that comes with it. I hope that I have shed a light on some of these issues, however, I don’t feel as if I’m doing it justice while writing as casually as I am.

If I die and my many journals are found from underneath my bed, I would much prefer my family to lay witness to when my thoughts were presented with some clarity and insight. Not only the jumbled mess of words that are dictated with incredibly raw emotions. I want them to see both in the same way I would like you to see both. I want to show both the emotionally charged entries which make no sense to the sane eye as well as the logical posts which show some form of reflection.

Most of all, I just want to heal.

I believe by composing my posts in this way, continuously reflecting and evaluating, will provide me with a better chance of doing so.

And that is all that I want to do.

So a bit of both is now in order, one more than the other. But we shall see what happens.

It may be an interesting mix afterall.

Nakedstreetkid out xx šŸ˜›

moments

Moments: Lacking the Voice of Reason

Before I begin this Moments “vlog”, you should know that it may be quite triggering for those with an eating disorder. So, I’m saying this now:

TRIGGER WARNING: Eating disorder habits and depression mentioned. And of lesser importance, swearing.

Don’t say that I didn’t warn you…

———-

I made a mistake yesterday.

I ate at, or before, 1pm yesterday. Actually, it was most definitely before as I had been able to eat four bagels in two hours. And it wasn’t until I had eaten the last of the ten millionaire bites (caramel covered, chocolate topped, biscuit base bite size chunks) on the third hour at 1pm that I had realised how many calories I had consumed. I had consumed a lot and it began to freak me out.

Now, although I did not know exactly how many calories, I had somehow been able to stop myself from peering at the calorie content on the package of the bagels and recording the number.

I’m not sure if I should consider that an accomplishment, for it was not a noble act but a cowardly one. I was not only afraid to see the calorie content but also the nutritional one. Knowing quite well that I had consumed little, to no food of nutritional value that day had made me even more anxious than I already was. I didn’t need the confirmation printed into the back of mind with the specifics.

I wasn’t sure what to do, but I knew that I was frightened.

Usually, I would have exercised quite thoroughly for the next two hours – three hours if I could help it. All the while checking my weight on the scales periodically but… I was stopped. I was stopped by the nagging voice of my therapist erupting gently into my mind.

“Be kind to yourself” the voice whispered, while another voice, a little stronger and far more violent grabbed me by the consciousness and screamed in my mind’s ear “you fucking fat shit!” And so ensued an argument between the two. Imagine that, two voices battling it out in my head, one fading under the intensity of the other. And if you can imagine that, you will understand why I started to laugh. Hysterically. So much so that I began to feel tear after tear crawl down my cheeks while my laughs were interrupted by slight hiccups from the force of it all.

Quite honestly, I wasn’t sure what to do.

And I wish I could end this by saying I did the right thing, that I called up my friends and talked to them. That I continued my day as normal and ate something healthier when I was hungry in the next few hours. That I actually took a minute to reflect on how I was feeling and calmed down. I wish I could, but I can’t. I instead did the only thing I knew to do in situations like this. I took to my bed and folded myself into a tight ball underneath the cover of my sheets.

Oh, and think to myself in the dim silence:

At least I didn’t exercise.

NaBloPoMo

The weight life brings

It has come to that point in my life where I again, feel and look like shite.

As of right now, I am heavier than I have ever been and that worries me so much. I have had, in the past, the tendency to engage dysregular eating patterns. And this is mainly due to a lack of appetite or just a general way to punish myself. So, that has led me to not eat, lose weight, gain it back just as quickly when I do start eating again and a feeling that I have almost re-lost control again.

In general, since results day, I have not wanted to eat at all. But that’s been changing over the last two months where I have gotten into the habit of just gorging on large amounts of food, unhealthy food for that matter. And I’m gaining weight and I hate that.

I understand that at one point or another everyone goes through those periods where they just dislike their body so much. So, this may seem silly or just plain irrelevant but that is what is going through my head right now. My ginormous weight gain.

And for those who do care somewhat, please, do not worry. If I do choose to lose this weight (which I am going to do), I am going to engage in healthier ways to do so. I am a firm believer that if you’re going to keep the weight off, you have to do it in the most sustainable way possible. And that is a healthy, balanced diet and a healthy dose of exercise throughout the week.

Anyway, that’s how I feel today.

Nakedstreetkid out x