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Updates and all

I think that I should finally explain what this blog is after owning it for over a year.

This blog is a space where I, Regina, can freely rant and rave about anything that is troubling me. Equally, it is a place where I can choose to discuss with others about the trials and tribulations of being a 19 year old teenager, living in England. And yes, I have a history of abuse of every kind, so at times, I may write about that, if only to make sense of it.

Right now in my life, I am actually taking a gap year. And during this gap year, instead of the normal and very understandable need to travel the world, I have decided to stay at home and really work on myself. How have I done that? Well, for starters, I have decided to start therapy and actually work through things that are troubling me. Which has been somewhat successful. However, as of last week, I have actually completed my allotted amount of 12 sessions that the NHS provided free of charge with my very lovely therapist who (for privacy sake) I shall name FeeFee.

But, all is good, I am actually being referred for long-term therapy at my local hospital. And if everything goes to plan, the wait for that should only last less than 3 months and they accept me into their care. Yay! In the meantime, I am on a round of anti-depressants, the infamous Sertraline or better known in the world of crazy as Zoloft. Which I am loving right now, so all is good on that.

Finally, I should explain that because of my crippling depression of last year and my ongoing anxiety, I was unable to reach my full potential last year. Hence, I only achieve relatively low grades (CCC) in my A-levels last year when in reality to get into university, I needed to achieve ABB. So, I have entered myself to actually retake my A-level exams at the end of the year. But again, because of my depression and anxiety for last few months, I have been doing nothing to prepare for that.

But now, I am determined to actually beat this anxiety and depression and actually achieve what I set out to achieve. So, I am beginning to study again (hurrah) and will continue to up until the beginning of my exams in May and June (which is frightingly close).

And that is it.

That is my life at the moment in a few paragraphs.

So, I hope you enjoy my blog and discover things about me (and hopefully about yourself too) that you would like to discuss. If so, feel free to message me. If not, feel free to message me regardless.

Right now, I feel like I am becoming an open book, so do talk to me, I don’t mind talking. At all. Or at least for the moment.

Alrighty then!

Nakedstreetkid out 😉

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Anger and Me

Anger is a funny tool used by people to get things done. It’s something that I, for the longest time, refused to use because I’ve always thought it was something that can only ever produce negative results.

But I think I was wrong.

I’ve been watching Philip Defranco more and more on the youtubes, especially as my gap year continues to progress without much of a blip. Or just a lot of blips but not of fun, rather distressing and incredibly trying times. It’s been very insightful to watch this man that I’ve always seen as someone I’ve always seen as an inspirational figure talk about anger as something that can be positive.

Because for me, anger has always been this terrible evil that infects and destroys people’s lives. And that reasoning has come from a place of experience, where either my father or my sister has used anger to become violent towards me, belittle and ruin me.

So, I’ve always shied away from feeling anger because I was afraid of the devastating effects it may cause. But in doing that, I’ve just turned that anger inwards towards myself in ways that I don’t feel entirely comfortable in articulating. Just know that these ways have been harmful to myself and has affected my life in ways that I cannot begin to explain or describe.

But the way Philip Defranco puts it, to use all that energy from anger and channel it towards something positive and useful, is beginning to resonate with me.
I should probably explain that, during this past year I have been having a difficult time in terms of suicidal ideation, depression, trichotillomania, dermatillomania, anxiety and – on a lesser note from all that – revision. And that has made me so angry. And because of my almost instintual tribulations with anger, that anger has been turned inwards and towards myself. Hence the depression and occasional anxiety.

But what I’m beginning to understand – more and more – is all that energy that I put into hating myself and everything I do, if I just direct even a little bit of it towards the things I want to achieve, I can achieve them. I can. Because that energy and all that adrenaline is such so instrumental and should not be wasted on simple self-loathing. It can actually be used for good, something that benefits oneself.

So, I guess I was right from the get-go, that anger is a powerful tool. I just had everything a little twisted about anger being a purely bad thing. Anger can in fact be a good thing, it’s just the way you direct it that matters.

Nakedstreetkid out 😉