Flashback, journal, moments

Flashback: A letter to my brother

Dear Brother,

You had made all these cross-wired connections that were illogical in nature but made sense out of context. Like, I could understand what you were feeling but the why was so over the top that I couldn’t fully grasp.

However, in a position where I was so vulnerable, self-esteem so low it was drooling past the depths of hell, where the flashbacks were hitting me full force with their penetrative glares and living from day-to-day was becoming harder. Where I looked up to you so much and treasured and held true every word you said, I, for a minute, broke.

I broke down.

I cried. Wanting to kill myself. Believing the words you spoke – saying that I was selfish, that how dare I serve myself for a second instead of you, how dare I not sacrifice my wellbeing for your own, how dare I?
But, how dare you.

How dare you ask that of your little sister? No, of another human being, of any other person, to give up themselves so completely to serve your every whim and wish.

Especially when you treat them like the shit on your shoe, only to condescendingly pat them on the head for doing exactly what you feel you needed.

I, for months, despite everything you said, dismissed all those evils you committed onto me. I continued to believe that angels shone out of your arse, them being the ones blessed to touch you, that God worshiped you and Satan cowered in fear every time he heard your name. And, most importantly, that I was the one completely in the wrong. That everything that happened was my fault and only my fault when let’s be real here.

Let’s be real.

The more that I took the responsibility for the faults that happened on that day, the more I serve to negate from the fact that you are a flawed human being like the rest of us.

Because guess what? The sun does not shine to greet you every morning, nor does thunder and lightning boom and bend to your will. You are human. You deserve to take some fault of your own onto shoulders too proud to slump, onto the flattened circumference of your mind crushed away by your demons that you indulge yourself in. I’m just sick of it.

I’m sick of how you’re all too ready to announce to the world how you’ve had it harder than any mere mortal who has experienced pain or anguish. That you believe yourself bigger than what you are. More superior because you choose not to understand what others go through but instead enjoy swimming deep in a sea of your own self-pity.

It’s silly.

Can the idea that someone else may feel pain without you having to make it a competition exist? Because God knows that when I feel good and happy I don’t go comparing it and stopping myself because someone else may be happier than I.

I don’t make it a competition. I just feel happy. And have enough sense to respect other’s happiness, the same way you should respect other’s pain.

I wish you could just see the truth and grow up for once. Because it’s not grown up to give people the silent treatment, it’s not grown up to expect family to serve you unconditionally – love you unconditionally, yes, but not serve. And finally, it’s not grown up to push everyone in your life away just because they communicate with you they do not agree with the way you treat them.

Grow up.

Grow up before everyone that you still love grows up and away from you.

Yours truthfully,

Your excommunicated sister

Continue reading “Flashback: A letter to my brother”

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Flashback, journal, moments, Poetry

Flashback: My First Swear

pexels-photo-192560

Time stalls on the window sill

My tiny feet grips past the gloss, straight onto the flaking wood, face pressed onto the window, hands by my side

Laughter from the living room reminds me of their harsh words

Their intent to scare me, to remind me that I was no more than a common fool a success

Tears work its way down my cheeks

My warm breath dents the cold glass as a silhouette shaped like my chin and nose forms as the rain on the other side collect into droplets

 

Finally, I let the pain go and give room for anger to emerge

It wrestles my body into havoc as I begin to kick out against the window, punch away the fabric within the curtains and let my tongue boil out a single word

“Fuck”

I scream it

Then stop cold in my tracks

Did they hear?

Did they hear their 8 year old sister collapse into a word forbidden in this household

I wait

I listen

And nothing.

So I say it again

Nervous giggles jolting the words out in a quiet whisper

The word feeling oversized but good, easing away my anger

 

Better.

 

I feel better again.

Continue reading “Flashback: My First Swear”

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Suicide: A short but needed reflction

I messed up.

I messed up big time.

Two months ago, I got the exceedingly strong impulse to kill myself. This was all after spending a horrendously long time consumed by depression, anger and self-hatred. After overhearing an attack on my personality I was no longer being able to keep all of these feelngs contained in a tight bubble and it all burst open.

The thought, like a cancer, by that point had metastasised in my mind to just kill myself. My reasoning? It was the only way to be kind to those around me and to my future self.

But, I obviously didn’t and here’s why:

I realised that the way I was feeling was temporary. Powerful, all-consuming, suffocating but ultimately, temporary.

And even though my brother calls me weak and selfish for wanting to kill myself, I know that his stance on suicide is ruled by his own unresolved past suicidal ideation. 

The reason I have messed up?

Because I think that explaining myself to him will solve something. It won’t. He has his own issues and I have mine. The truth is we both have entirely different experiences despite co-existing in the same orbit for so long.

At this point I need to take a step back, be selfish in the right way and work on myself. I need to be a little more self-compassionate, learn to manage my fluctuating emotions and stop isolating myself so much.

I just need to grow.

And I’ll be damned if that’s not what I do for the rest of the year.

I’ll be damned.

Nakedstreetkid out x

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Moving out and everything in between

Hi guys, it has been quite a while since I’ve written a blog post which is so odd because I usually have so much to say in general. However, for quite a while I withdrew from everything and everyone and just didn’t feel like writing because I no longer had the energy for it.

I have been through a lot over the past few weeks. Perhaps not a lot relative to other people but a lot for me. I essentially fell out with my brother and because of that, I became suicidal all over again. Thankfully, my mum caught me before I did anything fatal and she gave me the option to take myself out of the situation and housesit for my grandmother for a day or two. It has now been about 5 weeks and I haven’t yet moved back in. And I don’t think I’m going to.

In fact, the only reason I go “home” is to have my daily showers and catch up with my sisters if I see them, but that’s it. I think I’m going to stay there for the entirety of the Summer and then go straight to university and never have to go “home” again.

And I know this all seems rediculous and so outrageously childish but I cannot continue to put myself in a situation that contantly triggers me to feel so suicidal.

I’m not saying that underlying issues have been resolved and me moving out has allieviated the pressure from any of them. However, the situation that puts me the most in danger of doing fatal harm to myself has been temporarily eliminated. And if that is the best I can do for right now, then I’m going to do it.

I’m so incredibly aware of how chunky and distorted this post is but I’m trying to just throw all of my thoughts out there before I chicken out from writing again.

Also, just so you know, I have reached out for support from a psychologist and that should start just before the end of my exams.

Listening to: Cold Arms by Mumford and Sons

Nakedstreetkid out xx

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Returning Sanity

I haven’t posted anything on my blog in a while because my style of writing has actually gone way out of whack. I’m trying to fix it up by reading more, but I always feel guilty for reading because I need to revise and my life apparently now revolves around my need to revise. I hate it, but that’s the way it is.

I was actually thinking a little while ago that I should really start balancing my life far more better than I am doing now. The problem is, is that I still haven’t quite found my footing in balancing revision and free time. Because what I am doing now with revision, I might as well not be revising because I am failing everything. However, like my friend Luke has already done, I might just force myself to accept the failure that is waiting for me by the end of this week. In fact, my older brother was talking to me earlier, and told me that unless I fully accept that I have failed, that I have hit rock bottom, there is no way I will ever reach the top. He told me, that the first step is admitting that I failed, the second is accepting that the way I am doing things is causing me to fail and repeating the same method will only lead to even more failure. Repeating an old trick the same way and expecting different results is the definition of insanity. I need to get out of monotonous cycle of getting up, going to school, going home and sleep. I really need to learn how to shake things up, otherwise I am going to fail every single exam. And I don’t want that, so I need to learn to accept that I’m failing, well and truly accept it instead of ignoring it for what it is.

Because if I’m going to fail, what do I have to lose by changing up my method of learning? Nothing, absolutely nothing. If I still channel all my hope into a failed method, I’m just going to drive myself straight into insanity, and that isn’t good.

Like my history teacher quoted:

“Learn to accept the things you can’t change, and change the things you can.”

I have the next few days to prove that I can do it.

Here. We. Go.

Nakedstreetkid out ;D

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Mild Truths and Obvious Beginnings

Recently I discovered a few mild truths that should have been obvious to me but never was. Here are just a few of them:

1) Be selfish. There are very few things that I wouldn’t give up to make people happy. My time I could and would give up in a heartbeat. I wouldn’t care, as long as it helped them. And that is a bad habit. There are times when I must think about myself, remember my needs before anyone else’s. I must remember my worth in this world and realise I am valuable to others in so many ways – not just by helping them. So, yes, be selfish. Find a healthy balance between selfishness and selflessness and you’ll be fine.

2) Intelligence is not fixed. Intelligence is flexible. This is something I forget often because I have spent my life believing that people are born intelligent. That their wealth of knowledge only facilitates their intelligence. They’re amazing because their intelligence is inherent. Which, of course, is not true. Intelligence can be learnt. Just give it a few hours, a few days, a few weeks and you can be intelligent. But, remember, intelligence that is the same can be worn in different ways. It’s your decision how you choose to wear yours.

3) Responsibility is not being a leader, responsibility is knowing what to do and then doing it. To me, responsibility has always meant that I must assume the position of authority. It meant that I had to be an expert in a certain field of knowledge, so that I would be able to adapt to anything that happens. But, I guess, responsibility is recognising what needs to be done and then from there, doing it to a high standard. It’s being independent of an authoritative figure, not assuming their role. For example, if I were to work in a shop and see the bin is overflowing with rubbish, I would take the initiative to empty it. I wouldn’t wait for my manager to come along and tell me such a fact. Because that is my responsibility and no one else’s.

At the end of the day, if I have a goal, I should aim for it. A goal stops being a fantasy when I open my eyes and start being realistic about my path. I should stop questioning my path in general, really. I should stop focusing my heart and soul upon each frivolous moment and remember why I’m doing what I’m doing. Where do I want to be in the next 5 years? And, why?

Those are the things I should remember. As my brother said:

“Persistence and determination is what gets you there, consistency is what keeps you there.”

Nakedstreetkid out! 🙂