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Suicide: A short but needed reflction

I messed up.

I messed up big time.

Two months ago, I got the exceedingly strong impulse to kill myself. This was all after spending a horrendously long time consumed by depression, anger and self-hatred. After overhearing an attack on my personality I was no longer being able to keep all of these feelngs contained in a tight bubble and it all burst open.

The thought, like a cancer, by that point had metastasised in my mind to just kill myself. My reasoning? It was the only way to be kind to those around me and to my future self.

But, I obviously didn’t and here’s why:

I realised that the way I was feeling was temporary. Powerful, all-consuming, suffocating but ultimately, temporary.

And even though my brother calls me weak and selfish for wanting to kill myself, I know that his stance on suicide is ruled by his own unresolved past suicidal ideation. 

The reason I have messed up?

Because I think that explaining myself to him will solve something. It won’t. He has his own issues and I have mine. The truth is we both have entirely different experiences despite co-existing in the same orbit for so long.

At this point I need to take a step back, be selfish in the right way and work on myself. I need to be a little more self-compassionate, learn to manage my fluctuating emotions and stop isolating myself so much.

I just need to grow.

And I’ll be damned if that’s not what I do for the rest of the year.

I’ll be damned.

Nakedstreetkid out x

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2 thoughts on “Suicide: A short but needed reflction”

  1. Hey! (leaving out your name) I’ve missed you! I tried to contact you a few times but idk why I didn’t try your blog. Anyway I’m glad to hear from you. You don’t have to post this comment, I just wanted to tell you that although I haven’t seen you in ages and we don’t speak as much, you really mean a lot to me. Perhaps reading this post a few more times would allow me to better understand what you’ve been dealing with, but if taking care of yourself is considered ‘selfish’ then please I give you full permission, pls be as selfish as you want! You’re extremely talented and so special! I hope it doesn’t come out weird but I really don’t want you to forget. I’m here if you need me ^-^ and my numbers still the same x Love you! 欣妍

    1. I am so sorry I haven’t been around. I think about you often, with something along the lines like “oh, this is cool, I bet N@^/o would like this!” Or, “it’s such a nice day, I wonder if I can get in touch with you and we can do something.” But I never can because I no longer have your number! Why? My phone broke and I got a new sim and a new phone, so I have lost all of my numbers. Which is either a curse or a blessing, depending on your opinion because it was when a lot was going on.

      Anyway, I’m going to try and PM you my new number, privately if I can, although I’m finding it difficult to find a PM right now. Probably because I just woke up, so I’ll try in the morning.

      Anyway, thank you for getting in touch. I promise, I haven’t been ignoring you and thank you so much for the advice and validation.

      Love you, B xx

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