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Anger and Me

Anger is a funny tool used by people to get things done. It’s something that I, for the longest time, refused to use because I’ve always thought it was something that can only ever produce negative results.

But I think I was wrong.

I’ve been watching Philip Defranco more and more on the youtubes, especially as my gap year continues to progress without much of a blip. Or just a lot of blips but not of fun, rather distressing and incredibly trying times. It’s been very insightful to watch this man that I’ve always seen as someone I’ve always seen as an inspirational figure talk about anger as something that can be positive.

Because for me, anger has always been this terrible evil that infects and destroys people’s lives. And that reasoning has come from a place of experience, where either my father or my sister has used anger to become violent towards me, belittle and ruin me.

So, I’ve always shied away from feeling anger because I was afraid of the devastating effects it may cause. But in doing that, I’ve just turned that anger inwards towards myself in ways that I don’t feel entirely comfortable in articulating. Just know that these ways have been harmful to myself and has affected my life in ways that I cannot begin to explain or describe.

But the way Philip Defranco puts it, to use all that energy from anger and channel it towards something positive and useful, is beginning to resonate with me.
I should probably explain that, during this past year I have been having a difficult time in terms of suicidal ideation, depression, trichotillomania, dermatillomania, anxiety and – on a lesser note from all that – revision. And that has made me so angry. And because of my almost instintual tribulations with anger, that anger has been turned inwards and towards myself. Hence the depression and occasional anxiety.

But what I’m beginning to understand – more and more – is all that energy that I put into hating myself and everything I do, if I just direct even a little bit of it towards the things I want to achieve, I can achieve them. I can. Because that energy and all that adrenaline is such so instrumental and should not be wasted on simple self-loathing. It can actually be used for good, something that benefits oneself.

So, I guess I was right from the get-go, that anger is a powerful tool. I just had everything a little twisted about anger being a purely bad thing. Anger can in fact be a good thing, it’s just the way you direct it that matters.

Nakedstreetkid out 😉

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