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Learned Response

It’s funny because I’m getting super reflective because the year is almost up. I’m realising that I’m not happy with who I am and what I’m doing right now. Like, I am actually physically upset with who I am. And I’m recognising that and that makes me happy.

In the past, I have just ignored all of that. I have ignored that I’m upset with who I am and what I am. And if I would pay even a bit of attention to the fact, it would be to put myself down. But, at least I’m finally recognising it and instead of berating myself for the fact, I am actually being kind to myself.

That’s what my therapist always says just before we finish a session, she says “be kind to yourself”. I’m still unsure how to feel about that. There is a part of me that is quite automatically against the idea of being kind to myself. Wouldn’t I be kind to myself if I deserved it? But because I’m not instinctively kind to myself, I don’t deserve kindness, do I?

But then, I know now that is flawed within itself. Me being self-critical is a learned response to traumatic situations which I have carried forward to day-to-day life.

I don’t know, guys, I feel like I’m beginning to realise all of this and that is making me happy.

Nakedstreetkid out x

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