I think I’ve avoided putting something up for long enough now, so excuse me for any mistakes or dodgy wording, I just want to get something out there.
This week was… Difficult, to say the least.
I think the hardest thing about therapy this week was having to talk about… myself, despite doing everything in my power not to do so. Which sounds counterintuitive but I did not do this consciously, but rather, without even realising it. Almost automatically. In essence, it was second nature to me to avoid talking about myself by talking about other people and their own struggles. Which, fortunately (or unfortunately for me), my therapist picked up on straight away and we ended up talking about it.
We ended up talking about self-censoring.
What I had explained to her was that I needed time to think about some of the questions she had presented to me in the privacy of my own home. I had reasoned with her that I didn’t know how I was going to respond or react while I had someone sat in front of me. I would much rather think about it by myself, and control and cater my responses to her for the next time. I just couldn’t let my guard down.
Her response to that was understanding, she said that this subconcious reaction to self-censor may have developed because as I child, I always had to be careful of what I said and who I said it to. Which made sense. It’s just…
It’s just that now that I feel the need to be even more cautious around her. I’m hyper aware of it now and what I want to do is reinforce my walls of self-defence rather than bring it down.
I doubt that is what she wanted, but I’m pretty stuck on what to do.
Nakedstreetkid out x -_-