I’m beginning to find everything difficult again.
I think that, when I started this schedule thing, I began to gain some perspective and motivation but that has reversed slightly and I feel as if I’m back at square one. Which is, of course, untrue. It just feels like it, you know?
I think it may have something to do with my sister checking up with me on a constant basis. Even though I’m sure all she wants is to help, it’s kind of making me feel worse. Because I have to detail to her what I’ve done that day and all honesty, all it does is highlight to me how little I’ve done that day. When I was healthier, I could cram about 3 or 4 big things into my day and that was with the added stress of school. Now that my days are endless, it feels like I’m wasting them. Probably because I am. I’m not productive in any sense.
The thing is, an hour can feel like a minute when you’re depressed. And that is a HUGE problem for me. I can sleep for maybe 3, 4 or 5 hours at a time and feel as if I’ve blinked. And when I awake, it is just that bit more difficult for me to drag myself out of my bed and GET SOMETHING DONE. Because, by that point, I am hyper aware about the fact that I’ve already wasted so much time that it seems so fruitless to do anything else. So, I spend another hour worrying about that and just wanting to go back to sleep, so I do. And when I awake, I’m facing the same problem with even less time to do something than before. So, I spend another hour trying to motivate myself out of bed and by the time I do, everyone is back from school or work and, hand on heart, I can’t deal with that amount of people (I have 3 siblings that live with me), so return to the comfort of my bed.
Not even resting really.
Just lying there, thinking and worrying about what I am to say to my sister when she comes to ask me about my day.
When a task seems as big as I amplify it in my head, the pressure to do it the right way mounts up and your ability to do it lessens. And you’re stuck in a state of paralysis, procrastinating because you don’t know what you actually need to do anymore.
It’s so frustrating.
Nakedstreetkid out -_-